Not the Ben Affleck Armageddon, the Andy Lau Armageddon.

A disjointed, over-stuffed, intermittently coherent movie (or possibly several movies jammed together) made watchable and, if in company, extremely amusing, by the presence of the gorgeous Andy Lau and by its high WTF quotient.

I began watching this by myself. In the first two minutes, a priest spontaneously combusts. Then it cuts to sad computer scientist Andy Lau, moping adorably on his yacht. One of the very best features of this film was Andy Lau curled up sadly in chairs, sofas, etc. Oyce and I kept wanting to hug and cuddle him.

And then something happened that made me fall off my sofa laughing hysterically. I stopped the film, deciding that I needed to watch it with Oyce to watch her reaction to this.

Sappy music begins. Andy Lau's lovely fiancee skips merrily into the street WHAM she is squashed by a bus!

Words cannot convey the hilarious suddenness of this event.

It turns out that the world's ten most important scientists are being microwaved to death. Andy Lau, being one of them, needs police protection. He has a cop buddy (Anthony Wong) who is in love with a Scully-esque female cop. They go to the scene of the crime, and someone solemnly explains that nothing is left of the combusted scientist but his spine, liver, and left foot.

Andy Lau: "We must do an autopsy on the spine, liver, and left foot."

He begins seeing visions of his dead fiancee, interspersed with flashbacks to their life together. They are actually quite adorable and charming. It's like this sweet romantic comedy stuck in the middle of a weird sf film. They get noodles together WHAM BUS! (Again.)

At this point Oyce and I got so hungry that we ran to the kitchen and ate everything in it, even after I reminded her of microwaved humans.

Andy Lau explains, "Humans are mostly water. Water is H2O. Hydrogen and oxygen are both flammable. So it's not suprising that sometimes people spontaneously combust."

Later, they hold up a jar of dehydrated scientist and speculate that he could be reconstituted with water, like sea monkeys.

The Brotherhood of Technology (possibly related to the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants) leaves elegantly inscribed calling cards. You'd think they'd use email.

Andy Lau is hit over the head and meets a crazy guy in the hospital. The crazy guy is restrained with giant Ace bandages, since apparently the budget all went to hire Andy Lau and they couldn't afford a straightjacket.

Andy Lau's fiancee returns from the dead. There is a long, ridiculous meeting in which every apocalyptic theory ever is name-checked. Like the board meetings in Gundam WIng, we were more confused after they started explaining what was going on than before.

It concludes in a completely incomprehensible apocalypse, featuring kaleidoscopes, immortal blonde guys with mercury for blood, God, human combustion, and beams from space. And Andy Lau being beautiful, which is why I rented it in the first place.


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