I just skimmed through what I believe is the worst book I have ever read. I was trying to decide whether it would be worth my time to write it up, as it would take a great deal of description and quotes to fully convey its true horror, but then I realized that I could leave that decision to you, my loyal readers.

If you want to read my thoughts on this monstrosity, please comment to state your enthusiasm and also a pledge of an amount (no lower than five dollars) that you are willing to pledge to donate to the Virginia Avenue Project in exchange.

First came nightmares. Gashes and wounds of memory. Home. Sisters. Mother. Father. Screaming. Divorce. These were mingled with jittering cuts and freeze-frames of all the horrors he had seen, one image after another retching across his brain like a movie slash-edited by an axe-murderer.

Also features apocalypse via "a wind larger than a planet" and Satan as a transparent giant with rainbow-colored blood.

From: [identity profile] coraa.livejournal.com

See, I've read a fair bit of Christian fiction, since I went to a Christian high school that didn't have much but the classics and Christian fiction. And some Christian fiction is good, and some of it is not so good, and some of it is outright bad.

This was not like any Christian fiction I've ever read. It was sort of like what might happen if you read some Christian fiction, then dropped a lot of acid and took a nap, and recorded your dreams. It was also like the Book of Revelation, except less interesting and more confusing.

And I have never seen as many Random Capitals, ellipses... and exclamation! points!

Rachel didn't mention the festering pimple of evil, the part where the boy huffs Satan, or the massive quantity of pus. Massive. Quantities. Of. Pus.

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

I think that much pus indicates the need for immediate high amputation.

From: [identity profile] heyoka.livejournal.com

I was going to say, isn't the Book of Revelation pretty much like if you read the rest of the Bible, dropped a lot of acid, took a nap, and then recorded your dreams? XD

From: [identity profile] shweta-narayan.livejournal.com

...retching across his brain?

I don't think that's a motion verb, actually...

From: [identity profile] jinian.livejournal.com

Maybe... they meant "etching"? That might make some sense. Kind of.

From: [identity profile] rachelmanija.livejournal.com

Given the amount of vomit in the book, I'm thinking not.

From: [identity profile] saladinahmed.livejournal.com

"Satan as a transparent giant with rainbow-colored blood."

Wait...how is this NOT awesome?

From: [identity profile] coraa.livejournal.com

He's also, if I remember correctly, a pimple. I think that was meant to be a metaphor, but I'm not certain. Perhaps it was a transparent, rainbow pimple.

From: [identity profile] mikeda.livejournal.com

Picturing a transparent giant rainbow pimple now...

So does that mean that Armageddon involves massive amounts of Clearasil?

From: [identity profile] txtriffidranch.livejournal.com

So you read my book, then? The fact that you aren't bleeding from several places on your body without orifices, I can tell you that you've gotten off easy.

From: [identity profile] naomikritzer.livejournal.com

For some reason, your tantalizing description reminded me of two stunning and unintentionally hilarious books that a friend found at a garage sale back when we were in college and which we passed around to read choice passages out loud because OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS they were just astonishing. The two books are called "He Came to Set the Captives Free" and "Prepare For War," both by Rebecca Brown, M.D. They purport to be non-fiction and are published by Jack Chick's publishing house (of Chick Tract fame).

In both books, she talks about this friend of hers, Elaine, who was the High Priestess of a Satanic Cult. Apparently if you're Satan's High Priestess, you get to shack up with him, but he's really kind of a dick. (I suppose that part shouldn't be a surprise.) The funniest bit might be where she warns you against buying food out of the bulk bins at co-ops because the owners sprinkle in demon seed with the steel-cut oats and wheat germ. Or possibly it's when she tells you that if you suspect demonic activity, you can duck into a bathroom to bind the demons in a whisper, because demons have really acute hearing and bathrooms were MADE for spiritual warfare! Or maybe it's the big where she explains that when you play D&D, the monsters you're imagining are ACTUALLY REAL DEMONS THAT REALLY EXIST and the DMs all know this and are deliberately leading you down the primrose path to EVIL. Or possibly the fact that if you've gotten a black belt in any martial art you are worshiping Satan AND KNOW IT.

Anyway. My friend Curtis (vegetarian -- oh, all vegetarians are also possessed by demons because they are spiritually weak from lack of meat! -- and a DM) did some research into Rebecca Brown and found out that she'd had her medical license taken away because she was giving her patients inappropriate quantities of narcotics and also wanted to treat schizophrenia with exorcism but really, it was more the narcotics. (From her Wikipedia page: "Elaine [the former Satanic High Priestess] was identified in legal documents when Brown's license was revoked, following an incident in which Elaine arrived at a hospital covered in lesions. Rebecca was "inappropriately treating Edna Elaine Moses' purported leukemia with massive doses of Demerol and Phenobarbitol to the point where the patient would tolerate 600 to 900 cc injections of Demerol, a fatal dose of which is normally in the 150 to 200 cc range, and up to three times the recommended therapeutic dose of Phenobarbitol.")

Anyway. I'll have to remember these books the next time you offer to review some horrifyingly awful book in exchange for a charitable contribution somewhere....

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