Lady Elyssa Amaterasu Yamato Wentworth is a half-Japanese, half-elf, half-uncle thousand-year-old vampire queen who takes on Jacob, a bad-ass ex-vampire hunter, as her bodyguard/boy toy. (Her Japanese and elf heritage is mentioned but doesn’t really come up beyond that, which is probably just as well.)

Like many things sexual, this is completely ridiculous but also pretty hot if you’re into it, and solely ridiculous if you’re not. I like reading about sexually dominant women having creative sex with men who are personally assertive but sexually submissive, which, at least within professionally written erotica, seems to be very much a minority taste. In fact Joey Hill is the only writer I’ve found who writes that. However, I don’t actually read that much erotica, so there may be much more out there that I’m not aware of. (If so, please rec it. I plan to buy [personal profile] oracne's The Duke & the Pirate Queen and/or The Moonlight Mistress
on my next Amazon run - will those suit?)

While the cracktastic A Witch’s Beauty, the one with the male angel with two-colored blood, the tentacled demon mermaid whose trauma was being eaten by fish, and the zombie dinosaur apocalypse, was readable as a novel apart from the sex, this one is pretty much wall-to-wall sex: bondage, telekinetic masturbation, CBT (the kind that isn’t cognitive-behavioral therapy – I was squicked by that and skimmed madly), “you must have sex with my vampire pals’ female servants on top of the dining room table while we all watch,” three-second refractory periods, in a mall fountain, on a sofa, on the forest floor, onna stick, etc.

I wasn’t that into Jacob, though I did like Lyssa – but then I was much more into the mermaid than the angel in the other Hill book I read, so Hill may just be better at female characters. And while I can’t say that the prose would win any prizes, Hill at least did not write here that “desire festered in his balls,” which puts the prose a huge cut above that other book of hers, which did have that line on page three, and which forever prevented me from reading any further.

What can I say? This is porn, porn, and nothing but porn. But if you’re in the mood for porn, and this is the sort of porn you like, you could do a whole lot worse.

The Vampire Queen's Servant (Vampire Queen, Book 1)
In 1881, meek Hester Marsh inherits her great-uncle Diablo the Great’s riverboat magic show, after he accidentally decapitated his wife onstage while performing a magic trick and then shot himself.

It’s a fest of stereotypes as she meets Gypsy Mara, superstitious black boatmen, and “the embittered dwarf, Quantimo.” And yet, so entertaining! Shadowy figures try to push Hester overboard, spooky women lurk at her bedside, Gypsy Mara croaks dire warnings, handsome men gallop about on stallions, the ghost of decapitated Mary haunts the riverboat, and (since they’re still using it in the act) the guillotine claims another victim!

But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Gypsy Mara explaining what she wants to save Hester from: “From the deep night and the spider’s web. From the crawling things that tunnel in the earth and feed on festering mortals.”

Which I guess is better than festering balls. Though if I understand her correctly, she’s saying that Hester needs to be saved from earthworms.

The only thing this story lacks is a monkey, so I have provided one in my icon.
In 1881, meek Hester Marsh inherits her great-uncle Diablo the Great’s riverboat magic show, after he accidentally decapitated his wife onstage while performing a magic trick and then shot himself.

It’s a fest of stereotypes as she meets Gypsy Mara, superstitious black boatmen, and “the embittered dwarf, Quantimo.” And yet, so entertaining! Shadowy figures try to push Hester overboard, spooky women lurk at her bedside, Gypsy Mara croaks dire warnings, handsome men gallop about on stallions, the ghost of decapitated Mary haunts the riverboat, and (since they’re still using it in the act) the guillotine claims another victim!

But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Gypsy Mara explaining what she wants to save Hester from: “From the deep night and the spider’s web. From the crawling things that tunnel in the earth and feed on festering mortals.”

Which I guess is better than festering balls. Though if I understand her correctly, she’s saying that Hester needs to be saved from earthworms.

The only thing this story lacks is a monkey, so I have provided one in my icon.
[livejournal.com profile] oyceter mailed me the mermaid/angel/zombie dinosaur book. Of course.

She also mailed me another book by the same author. I am not sure I can read that one, though, because on PAGE TWO it contained this immortal line, which I promptly texted to Oyce Unfortunately, he could not ignore the burning need festering in his balls.

Poor word-choice for the win! I do not want my erotic heroes to have festering balls! (Even Ann Bishop's rats would not eat them if they were festering, I am sure.)
[livejournal.com profile] oyceter mailed me the mermaid/angel/zombie dinosaur book. Of course.

She also mailed me another book by the same author. I am not sure I can read that one, though, because on PAGE TWO it contained this immortal line, which I promptly texted to Oyce Unfortunately, he could not ignore the burning need festering in his balls.

Poor word-choice for the win! I do not want my erotic heroes to have festering balls! (Even Ann Bishop's rats would not eat them if they were festering, I am sure.)
.

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