[livejournal.com profile] telophase mailed me this book at her own expense. All the same, I am not sure whether to blame it on her or on [livejournal.com profile] buymeaclue, who alerted us all to its existence.

In all his years as a unicorn, he had never experienced such emotions before.

My single biggest problem with this book, even more than the amusingly bad writing, inexplicable character motivations, WTF climax, and shocking lack of id-tastic exploitation of the premise, was that I disliked both the romantic leads. Mariah is a moron and Ash is a pain. I was disturbed by the thought of them getting together and having annoying, stupid, one-horned babies.

Mariah is an American whose mother is insane – or so she thinks! Actually, she has Second Sight, which Mariah inherits. Her father talks her into getting married, and in one paragraph, she meets, falls in love with, and marries the English Lord Donnington. Several months later, he has taken off without consummating the marriage, leaving Mariah alone to discover a mostly-naked man imprisoned in the folly.

As he withdrew his hand, she saw something that made the squirming minnows in her middle seem like ravenous sharks.

The nudeish guy seems insane, but is really hot. Strangely, except for his hair, he looks just like her husband.

The first thing Mariah noticed was his eyes… black, as black as her husband’s, but twice as brilliant, like the darkest of diamonds.

But hotter.

He wore only a scrap of cloth around his hips, barely covering a member that must have been impressively large.

Much hotter.

She noticed that his - she swallowed - his "member" was very much in evidence beneath his loincloth.

Mariah names him Ash and gives him clothing.

She counted to herself, waiting for him to gather up the garment, put it on, fasten the buttons over his... burgeoning masculinity. If the buttons would close at all.

It does not occur to her that this might make his captors figure out that someone’s helping him. But with the help of Donnington’s brother Sinjin, she busts him out before anyone does notice. While Ash cozies up to Prince Albert, Mariah envisions Ash as a unicorn, flirts with him, sees fairies, and is the object of bizarrely unmotivated scheming by a neighbor named Pamela. That takes up most of the book.

Toward the end, Mariah has sex with Ash.

It was more than merely hard; its circumference was so large that at first she wasn’t sure that her hand would fit around it.

But Mariah is also prodigious! When Ash withdraws during intercourse:

She tried to hold him inside, but her left her, and the opening he had filled wept with grief.

…wisecracks fail me.

Donnington and a Fane (Fae) Lord, Cairbre, return, and there is a flurry of infodumping, concluding in a truly LOLWTF climax.

Mariah’s servant Nola turns out to be a Good Witch named Nuala, who repeatedly assists her in a convenient and magical manner. This is never explained.

It turns out that Ash is supposed to trick Mariah into going to Tir-Na-Nog with him because her Second Sight means she can only go voluntarily. This is so that Cairbre can father children on her, since the Fane women are infertile. Ash is a human because Oberon cursed him, he looks like Donnington because that was the first person he saw when he arrived, and the deal Donnington made with Cairbre was to set up Ash and Mariah’s meeting (so Ash could lure Mariah) in exchange for Donnington getting to hunt the rarest game of all – the unicorn! All this is to further Cairbre’s plot to depose Oberon.

Mariah leads the unicorns to war against Cairbre, accompanied by Nuala in the form of a talking fox. Donnington shoots Cairbre and tries to shoot Ash but Mariah takes the bullet meant for him, which means that Donnington has to shoot off Ash’s horn so Ash can save her with it. Then Pamela shows up, confesses that she poisoned her husband (he is never actually seen onstage), shoots Donnington, and goes insane. More insane.

None of this makes more sense in context. In fact, in context it makes even less sense.

There is an epilogue with a baby. No book has ever been improved by the addition of an epilogue with a baby. I wish I could say it has a horn, but no, just healing powers.

I am now mailing this book to another brave volunteer. I will alert you all when her review appears.

From: [identity profile] panjianlien.livejournal.com

I never want to read this book, but I am so glad that you did.
ext_6385: (reading)

From: [identity profile] shewhohashope.livejournal.com

I was going to disagree with this, but on further thought... I couldn't handle this.

I want to say that it goes against my sense of decency, but I don't really have one of those. I think it's just too illogical.

From: [identity profile] nestra.livejournal.com

She tried to hold him inside, but her left her, and the opening he had filled wept with grief.

HA HA HA *cough cough hack* ow.

From: [identity profile] ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com

Thank you for reading this book so I don't have to.

From: [identity profile] vom-marlowe.livejournal.com

Mariah leads the unicorns to war against Cairbre, accompanied by Nuala in the form of a talking fox.

What? I'm sorry, but--what?

What? WHAT?!!?

Meanwhile in this OTHER NOVEL?!?

I don't know why the talking fox part tipped me over into true WTFery, but it did.

I admit that the idea of a unicorn king is kind of hot. I'd read a romance about a unicorn king if it was as idtacular as possible. You know, long rides on misty moors as she buries her face in his mane. That sort of thing. This....does not sound like that.

From: [identity profile] rachelmanija.livejournal.com

It's really not very id-tastic! She never really interacts with his unicorn form. So sad.

The talking fox was a big WTF moment for me too, though not as much as the bereft vagina.

Mariah had no interest in Fane architecture, no matter how beautiful.

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From: [identity profile] buymeaclue.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-28 12:46 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] teratologist.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-28 01:11 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com

I have to say, this is where I went "huh?" too... the rest of it just had me giggling.

From: [identity profile] elynne.livejournal.com

That is - beautiful. Or something. Wow.

From: [identity profile] holyschist.livejournal.com

Good god. I saw that in the book store and went "WTF!" I don't think I could stomach actually reading it, though.

No book has ever been improved by the addition of an epilogue with a baby.

Truer words were never spoken.
seajules: (DOOM!)

From: [personal profile] seajules

...Wait, somebody paid for this crap to be inflicted on the reading public?

From: [identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com

Yeah! Some agent loved it so much that s/he persuaded some publisher, who then invested in it and then shipped it off to bookstores!

... unbelievable... but true!

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From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-27 08:39 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] sienamystic.livejournal.com

There are no words. No words whatsoever.

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

While Ash cozies up to Prince Albert

Wait, is that the consort, the tobacco, or the piercing?

Hmm... if a unicorn got its horn pierced, what would one call that?

From: [identity profile] rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com

How sad is it that upon hearing about this book I went, ah, this author wrote that fairy bondage not!porn my friends were mailing around a few years back, so I cheerfully expect anything out of her? That particular book had S&M via Cold Iron and the worst prose this side of Dan Brown.

From: [identity profile] a2zmom.livejournal.com

Her opening wept with grief?

And you kept reading? I'm impressed.
brownbetty: (Default)

From: [personal profile] brownbetty

OMG! I was reading this and going, “wait… there couldn't be two authors--” and nope, there isn't. I just checked my tags, I'd I've read what I believe is the book before this in the series.

The thing is, she pulls a lot of the more ridiculous elements off twice! So it's not only bizarre, it's ripped off straight from herself.

From: [identity profile] rachelmanija.livejournal.com

Some tropes are so strange one would not think to encounter them twice in one lifetime. And yet!

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From: [personal profile] brownbetty - Date: 2009-04-28 02:54 am (UTC) - Expand

From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com

I vaguely remember reading one of her books around the time I swore off most paranormals for a few years.

Good to see that icon getting some use.

From: [identity profile] rparvaaz.livejournal.com

I love you for reading this book and then writing about it.

Her openiong wept with grief has to be the best line I have read in ages....

From: [identity profile] ukoku.livejournal.com

She tried to hold him inside, but her left her, and the opening he had filled wept with grief.

That ain't grief, sister.

the deal Donnington made with Cairbre was to set up Ash and Mariah’s meeting

This is the most retarded plot point of all, I'm thinking. If you want two people to meet and get to know each other, locking one up and hoping the other will be naughty enough to break him out is an idea that nobody would have.

Also, I hate when girly-girls become war-leaders. Because we all know that every frail female is secretly a lioness at heart, which somehow means she has expert knowledge of war tactics.

No book has ever been improved by the addition of an epilogue with a baby.

FACT. Harry Potter?

From: [identity profile] canandagirl.livejournal.com

It gives me hope that my story will one day be published. Looks like I can even leave out stuff like...plot, character development and logic. Maybe I'll add more dirty sex though....
nenya_kanadka: Wonder Woman poster (kneeling with sword) ([emotion] Uhura facepalm)

From: [personal profile] nenya_kanadka

Okay, so is he a unicorn after all, or was she just imagining it? I mean, the bit with needing to shoot off his horn so he could save her with it (WTF I do not think that is how it works?) makes it seem like he's really a unicorn, but...

Oh, dear. I'm worried about that poor woman's vagina. :P

From: [identity profile] rachelmanija.livejournal.com

You see, she has a special vagina.

Yep! Literally a unicorn!

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