(no subject)

[rachelmanija]

cereta has an excellent post on many issues, but mostly on how men are acculturated to believe that rape is okay and that not raping women, much less preventing other men from raping women, is an extraordinary good deed.

I genuinely like a whole lot of heterosexual men. But I do not believe that just because I like a man, he has the same ideas about rape that I do. In fact, the conversations I've had with straight men about rape and sexual harassment have been almost universally depressing. (I know that gay men can also be misogynistic, but in my experience it's much less prevalent.) In my experience, about ninety percent of the men with whom I've had those conversations in person believe at least one of the following:

-Once a man is sexually aroused, he's not responsible for his own actions.

-Once a man is sexually aroused, sex is inevitable and something he can't control.

-If a woman goes on a date with a man/gets drunk with a man/goes to a man's apartment/flirts with a man/kisses a man, she has consented to sex with him and may not revoke her consent.

-Consenting to one sexual act is automatic consent for any further or other sexual acts. (ie, consent to oral sex = consent to vaginal sex.)

-Women falsely accuse men of rape all the time, and all men are terrified of being falsely accused. All conversations about rape must revolve around this, a much bigger problem than the problem of actual rape.

-There is no way for a man to protect himself against accidentally raping a woman whom he thought consented but actually didn't. Verbally asking if a woman wants to have sex with him is impossible. (Yes, I've heard this one repeatedly.)

ETA: Since people are still trickling in, and sometimes blaming me for hearing men blame women for being raped, let me clarify who the men are who I've heard say all that stuff. They are not only my closest circle of self-selected friends. They are drawn from the pool of all men ever whom I've heard discussing rape. This includes co-workers, students in classes I was in, friends of friends, men waiting in line, men with whom I share an activity, men with whom I share public transport, men at parties, men in the jury pool, etc.

The next person who blames me for associating with the general population will get their thread frozen, and may be subject to banning if they persist.

End ETA.

And yes, I do know that men are raped too, and women can be rapists or child molesters. However, due to the way at least USA culture works, while women sometimes believe all this stuff I mention above, it is almost universal in my experience that men do.

If you are a man and you DON'T believe that this stuff is okay, it would be really nice if you started teaching other men and boys what you believe. If nothing else, teaching them that it really is possible, acceptable, and sexy to ask, "Do you want to have sex with me?" And take no as a no. Because right now, you are in the minority.

ETA: If you are a man who does not agree with the rape myths, AND you are vocal about your opinions with other men, this post is not about you. Carry on with your good work.

Comments

[celestinenox]

UGH. I don't know if I could handle that. Constantly being around a guy I KNEW had raped my friend.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this post. I'm tired of Camille Paglia and her boys just can't keep it their pants apologia.

I went with a friend to the hospital when she was raped and it was humilitating and invasive and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO THE MOTHERFUCKER.

And after that, my boyfriend who I thought loved me didn't take no for an answer. Was I drunk? Yes. Had I been smoking dope? Yes. But I'd dated this guy for months and he was awesome and sweet and he loved me. I told him, "No, buttsex is not on the agenda tonight dear heart", passed out, and woke up later to him fucking me up the ass dry. Good times. After the screaming he said sorry and fucked me vaginally. I was so humiliated that I didn't say anything. It's not like that hurt anyway. I thought I had done something wrong. I think I probably wouldn't have had a case had this been a Law and Order episode, but how does somebody who loves you screw up like that? That was more than ten years ago and it still makes me so angry.

Re: Stop, Ask, and Clarify

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

That's brilliant. And should be required in every sex-ed classroom.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

This!