When I was eight years old, I tried baking brownies. I had no recipe, no adults around, and no idea how to make anything. I do not remember exactly what I put in the pan, but I think it was most of our flour, sugar, chocolate, eggs, and cream. After my parents found the smoking brick in the kitchen (seriously. Remember the end of Time Bandits? Like that), they tried to clean the pan, threw away the pan, and forbade me from cooking anything ever again.

I still can't bake.