rachelmanija | (no subject)

cereta has an excellent post on many issues, but mostly on how men are acculturated to believe that rape is okay and that not raping women, much less preventing other men from raping women, is an extraordinary good deed.

I genuinely like a whole lot of heterosexual men. But I do not believe that just because I like a man, he has the same ideas about rape that I do. In fact, the conversations I've had with straight men about rape and sexual harassment have been almost universally depressing. (I know that gay men can also be misogynistic, but in my experience it's much less prevalent.) In my experience, about ninety percent of the men with whom I've had those conversations in person believe at least one of the following:

-Once a man is sexually aroused, he's not responsible for his own actions.

-Once a man is sexually aroused, sex is inevitable and something he can't control.

-If a woman goes on a date with a man/gets drunk with a man/goes to a man's apartment/flirts with a man/kisses a man, she has consented to sex with him and may not revoke her consent.

-Consenting to one sexual act is automatic consent for any further or other sexual acts. (ie, consent to oral sex = consent to vaginal sex.)

-Women falsely accuse men of rape all the time, and all men are terrified of being falsely accused. All conversations about rape must revolve around this, a much bigger problem than the problem of actual rape.

-There is no way for a man to protect himself against accidentally raping a woman whom he thought consented but actually didn't. Verbally asking if a woman wants to have sex with him is impossible. (Yes, I've heard this one repeatedly.)

ETA: Since people are still trickling in, and sometimes blaming me for hearing men blame women for being raped, let me clarify who the men are who I've heard say all that stuff. They are not only my closest circle of self-selected friends. They are drawn from the pool of all men ever whom I've heard discussing rape. This includes co-workers, students in classes I was in, friends of friends, men waiting in line, men with whom I share an activity, men with whom I share public transport, men at parties, men in the jury pool, etc.

The next person who blames me for associating with the general population will get their thread frozen, and may be subject to banning if they persist.

End ETA.

And yes, I do know that men are raped too, and women can be rapists or child molesters. However, due to the way at least USA culture works, while women sometimes believe all this stuff I mention above, it is almost universal in my experience that men do.

If you are a man and you DON'T believe that this stuff is okay, it would be really nice if you started teaching other men and boys what you believe. If nothing else, teaching them that it really is possible, acceptable, and sexy to ask, "Do you want to have sex with me?" And take no as a no. Because right now, you are in the minority.

ETA: If you are a man who does not agree with the rape myths, AND you are vocal about your opinions with other men, this post is not about you. Carry on with your good work.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My rapist was someone who, in my social circle was considered the nicest guy alive. I'd known him for five years. He had two really heinous breakups- and we all just thought he had the most horrid luck with women. "What the hell was wrong with these psychos?! Why would they say that about him?!"
After all, how could this sweet, soft spoken, passive artist who often protested at anti-war rallies and volunteered at the animal shelter ever do the things the two women said he'd done?
In our social circle, you didn't even eat meat, because it was harming someone, let alone force someone into sex- so, of course these women were just being spiteful.

I'm still working through the feelings for what happened to me, but also, trying to work through the fact that when the first one told people what he'd done- I was one of the loudest saying that he "wasn't like that".
I'm still working through how, maybe if I hadn't been, I could have prevented what happened to the second, maybe even prevented what happened to me- which, I know it isn't my fault, but I learned a great deal about that attitude you just posted.
It's not right.

So, you honestly expect that one of your pals is just going to sit down with you and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm rather fond of raping women"? Or do you think perhaps there's a scent marker, a behavior pattern that's a precurser to rape? Because I feel pretty sure if you've got something, the world needs to hear it.
Your assumption is not only likely wrong, but the impact your assumption could have on the women in your social circle is frightening.

(no subject)

Re: 90%?