rachelmanija | Cool bits, cracktastic bits

Cool bits, cracktastic bits

telophase has created a Cool Bits story generator.

The narrative is about triumph beating the odds. Romance blossoms between a scholar and a woman with a gun, while difficulties they encounter include sex against a wall and nothing being as it seems.

oyceter said that someone should make a Cracktastic Bit generator. I here solicit suggestions of cracktastic bits. They can be from any genre or media, though I do think that manga and anime gives great cracktastic.

By "cracktastic," I mean giant talking soldier ducks, giant robot chickens, heads in jars, heads in jars because the villain cut them off and put them there and hopes to clone the body and revive it so he can kill the person again, random incest, exploding heads, cannibal zombie angels, giant floating eyeballs, diseases that make your head spontaneously fall off, attacking floating fetuses, boys dressed in girls' sailor suit uniforms, "I cross-dress because it's so relaxing!" transformations into pandas, adorable chibi side illustrations of eyeballs on a platter, characters wearing kimono in Victorian London, little boys with bags over their heads and an axe in their hand, librarian chickens in tennis shoes and bonnets, possessed cockatiels, conjoined twin villains, combat butlers, butlers named Rifael Rafael, prosthetic limbs that double as any kind of weapon but especially guns or rocket-launchers, tentacle rape, characters with missing eyes (it's a thing), "Whatever you brought home, make sure you share it with your brothers! Oh... it's a wife?"

You know. Stuff like that.

What are your favorite cracktastic bits?

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Whoo! I was going to solicit too, so I am glad you did this first!

My favorite cracktastic bits:

Sakura of DOOM, roses of DOOM, irises of DOOM (Romeo x Juliet, rock on), rose whips of DOOM, general flowers of DOOM, vegetation of DOOM.

Heads in jars, heads in boxes, two heads in jars, random heads dropping off due to a wasting disease, random body parts dropping off due to a wasting disease, decapitated heads of loved ones being cradled lovingly in grief, heads of loved ones in jars being cradled lovingly in grief, body parts in jars, named body parts in jars that get talked to lovingly (oh Yuki Kaori... you are so insane), heads in jars that exist solely so they can be sewn back onto an immortal body and reanimated for purposes of love and/or revenge.

Crosses coming out of foreheads. Loligoth kimono with black lace and crinolines in Victorian London. Tragic parakeets in cages that are actually cockatiels. Sexy guys who are swords who are the Lucifer. Cannibal zombie angels. Cannibal zombie angel embryos flying through space (!!!! I will never get over this!). Devotion shown by offering cannibal zombie angels your shoulder to chew on. Hermaphrodites in clown make-up who despise themselves and long for the love of Lucifer. Guys who are the current reincarnation of the most powerful angel in heaven who is female and rebelled against heaven. Crazy space incest. Twins who either love their other twin so much they want to fuck and kill them or hate their other twin so much they want to fuck and kill them.

Ok, I think that's my first run. Sadly (or awesome-ly), nearly all of it is culled from Yuki Kaori.

* bodies that explode in gore, and then explode in a fireball, for no discernable reason.
* Main characters that endlessly repeat the other main character's names, preferably at top volume.
* Sexy villans who pose dramatically on elevated outcroppings to give dramatic speeches and laugh at the heroes dramatically.
* Finding something bizarre, gooey, and organic on the ground, poking at it a bit, picking it up to examine it more closely, and absent-mindedly sticking it in your pocket.
* Attack hair.

I'm sure I could think of others, but I'm still waking up. *sips chai*

And Now For Something Completely Different-Style Deus Ex Machina that is so in-your-face, deliberate, fanservicey, foreshadowed-feeling-whether-you-can-tell-it-is-or-not, and twisted back on itself that it turns into a koan-like OF COURSE.

Surprise, your best friend is secretly a demon who is secretly a sword with a soul who is secretly Satan who is secretly in love with you before you were dead and all of him got pseudo-amnesia? OF COURSE HE IS.
Surprise, hugging people turns them into animals? OF COURSE IT DOES.
[Fruits Basket spoilers up to where

rachelmanija has read] Surprise, Akito is a woman?[/spoiler] OF COURSE HE IS.
[Fruits Basket spoilers significantly PAST where rachelmanija has read] Surprise, the cliffhanger from the late chaper ends with the cliff from the first chaper breaking?[/spoiler] OF COURSE IT DOES.
Surprise, "the writer grew frustrated and called a duck into the story"? OF COURSE THE WRITER DID.

Not that you really need the titles, but in case you want to track down the origins of particular bits of crack.

Smokin' hot homicidal maniacs (1001 Nights, Threads of Time)
Dimensional travel through a toilet (Kyou Kara Maoh - it's through any sort of water, actually, but the protagonist first travels when he's getting a swirlie.)
A stoic bishounen who knits to relax (KKM also - it's a veritable cornucopia of crack)
The bitchiest uke ever (KKM)
Rampaging headless demons (InuYasha)
Psychopathic blond clones (Advent Children)
Traveling upwards by jumping off of falling rocks, masonry, etc. (every shounen anime evar)
A battle sitar (Kingdom Hearts II - hey, video games have JUST AS MUCH CRACK)
Smokin' hot genocidal maniacs (Sephiroth!!)
Child ninjas.
Swords larger than the person wielding them. (every video game evar)
Characters and spells named after 80s hair bands (JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Bastard!!)

I'm not sure how to distill the crack in Death Note into sound bites. :/

Being shipwrecked in the Falkland Islands, penguins of any variety, having amnesia and thinking you're a criminal...

oh, you meant examples that aren't REAL?

"Of course I'm still living in the house full of active booby-traps set up by my evil father who hated me! Here, have a penguin."

"Welcome to my tower full of orphan kiddies I'm training to be ninja assassins. They call me Il Corvo, or sometimes Lucifer. Why yes, I always wear robes embroidered with Kabalistic symbols."

"They call me 'Man-Shark.'"

Somebody said attack hair. Attack EYEBROWS. And NOSE HAIRS.

"They call me 'Man-Shark.'"

Wanna see my...ninja sword?

Cats or cat-demons trying to marry women. (Princess Tutu, Ranma 1/2)
Gratuitous floating feathers (every shoujo evar)
Yakuza with hearts of gold (Gokusen)

- "Now face my TRUE FORM" (true form is always nasty btw)
- Pindot eyes (indication that all sanity is gone)
- The Beam of Cleansing (TM)
- Bendy laser beams
- Casual use of megasuperpsycho powers
- Prefix madness (giga-hyper-mega-super-etc.)
- Combining robots
- The silent badass with a sword
- The really strong rowdy guy
- "Oops, we broke reality"
- Collateral damage from "powering up"
- The Traumatic flashback
- The shy crush
- Supernatural casual agility (balancing on light poles, diving into water without ripples, etc.)
- The jerky/jitter movement of insanity/undeath
- The Necro cuddle (cradling the decapitated head)
- The "bend TOO far back" laugh
- The old guy who no one fucks with
- The badass girl character who whips your ass.

I first thought "attack nose hair" but decided that the general genre of "attack hair" is in itself cracktastic enough. "Attack nose hair" just makes it that much more cracktical.

Disturbingly, "attack nose hair" is not merely an element but the premise of the manga Bo-bo-bobobo-bo-bo-bo (or some other combination of bos.)

More:

* malevolent fungus-insects from outer space that communicate by turning their heads different colours and steal people's brains and stick them in jars with synthetic voice boxes.
* malevolent life-sucking space-traveling colours.
* giant blind albino cave penguins that shout the names of horrible gods.
* people descended from fish-people.
* colossally huge malevolent supersentient magical burrowing worm-things that cause earthquakes.
* a blind idiot god the size of a planet that mindlessly devours everything it encounters.
* everything else H.P. Lovecraft or his co-conspirators ever wrote ever.

Yah, they showed it on Nickelodeon a while ago; for all I know, nobody has been able to stop it, so it may still be on.

"Foreigners, women, marine creatures, fungi, old buildings, stars, colors, Gods, and geometry scare me."

Cracktical! It's new crackcabulary!

- Anything from Greek tragedy. D: 'lol i married my mom'
- Biblical themes thrown in at random points. WHY IS A SHIP SHAPED LIKE A CROSS RAISING OUT OF THE OCEAN
- Phallic-shaped demons. Megaten and Shadow Hearts, I'M LOOKING AT YOU. D:
- Freudism and Jungism throw in like sprinkles on a nine year old's ice cream cone.
- Fake memories.
- Fake pasts.
- Fake relatives. "OMG YOUR NOT MY MOM BUT AN EXPERIMENTAL ANDROID!?!?"
- Humans bleeding any other color other than red.
- Finding your own blood to be another color than red.
- Evil twins.
- VAGINA DENTATA

OMG! How could I have forgotten? Trios of DOOM consisting of one girl and two guys in which one guy is completely evil and the girl dies (tragically. Possibly involving decapitation).

Giant scientific laboratories of dubious purpose with snaking wires and tubes everywhere. Bonus points for a suspended body in a glass tube. Wired cyborgs or modified people emerging (with wires still attached!) from giant tubs of water/amniotic fluid/who knows.

Suicide via ingesting yellow paint! A woman crashing into a flower shop after being thrown off a moving carriage and lying there, strewn with flowers. A beauty potion that actually eats you up from the inside and ends up destroying your eyeballs.

Angels as experimented human beings who are turned into weapons of mass destruction with skeletal, bloody wings (I will forever love Immortal Rain just for this!). Immortals whose hearts have been replaced with an iron cross on the chest. Iron crosses with a date of when said immortal's mortal enemy will be reincarnated. Evil children who are the reincarnation of evil people and claw their way out of their mother's womb (I kid you not).

Random goat heads and upside-down crosses! College students being turned into quivering lumps of flesh! Police thinking that is a prank! Naked women in churches!

Men who are missing their right eye! Men who are missing their right eye because they 1) tore it out themselves in remorse, 2) had it put out by their mortal enemy cum true love, 3) tore it out themselves to prove how manly they were. (I forget some of the other popular reasons)

Random mermaids. Random mouse-men. Insane long-haired doctors with glasses and organs in jars. OMG! I forgot! *points at icon* Evil death-dealing parrots of DOOM!

OMG GIANT WALRUS! I forgot the giant walrus!

Rampaging headless demons (InuYasha)

That is awesome. The only thing better would be if the rampaging headless demons teamed up with the heads in jars to CONQUER THE WORLD!

That episode had an eeevil demon child trying to make it to the barrier between life and death. Since demons take longer to die than humans, he was finding strong demons and decapitating them, to psychically connect with the head and see what it saw beyond life. The bodies rampaging around was a byproduct of that.

An otter-demon child was running around with his dad's head in a bag, trying to find the body because he thought he might get his dad to come back to life if he got there in time. And once they got the head an body reunited, it was almost too late ... and the only person who could bring back the otter demon dad was Sesshoumaru, who wields a sword that can save a hundred lives with one swing, but which only works if the wielder cares. Sasshoumaru being a tall, impassive youkai who would NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS ADMIT HE CARED ABOUT ANYTHING THE ONLY REASON I FAIL TO KILL MY BROTHER IS THAT HE'S TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT, NOT BECAUSE I FIND EXCUSES NOT TO KILL HIM WHEN I HAVE THE CHANCE.

If I could get that into a cracktastic sound bite, it would be so in there. XD

Trying SO HARD not to burst into insane giggling hysterics at work.

Here from fandom_lounge, couldn't resist jumping in,not an anime fan, so I bring you crack from the world of American/British films and TV:

-Fighting one's own evil body parts
-Tree rape
-Motherfucking chainsaw arms! (groovy).
-Being covered with insects/small reptiles, whether hallucinated or not.
-Anything big enough to swallow you without chewing, especially underwater...surviving and getting out.
-Horrible human/whatever hybrids
-Sexy evil robots
-Any Charleton Heston sci-fi reveal ("It was Earth all along!" "Soylent Green is people!")
-Leapfrogging back in time to thwart your opponent (i.e. Curse of Fatal Death)
-Continuing to fight as body parts get hacked off
-Aliens whose mission for whatever reason (bonus points if it's sinister) is to have sex with as many humans as possible.
-Things every part of which is sentient and will attack you (i.e. the blood in "The Thing")

This is why I watch Inu-Yasha. It's your standard Rumiko Takahashi show that goes on and on and on and on and on and never fucking ends, but when it hits, it hits.

My favorite character is Sesshoumaru (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v280/telophase14/sesshoumaru3.jpg), who hits all sorts of Cool Bits buttons for me - tall, silver-haired, is sort of nominally evil BUT NOT REALLY, pretends not to care but deep down the wall around his heart is cracking a bit. Inu-Yasha is his half-brother - Inu's mom was a human and Sess's mom was a youkai - and their unnamed dad, referred to as Inupapa by the fandom, was a mighty taiyoukai who left his two swords to his sons - the Tetsaiga, which can slay a hundred warriors with a single blow (but ONLY IF you're protecting someone, which they don't know), to Inu-Yasha, and the Tensaiga, which can save a hundred lives with one blow, (but ONLY IF you care, which they don't know) to Sesshoumaru. Sess is kinda hacked off about getting what is, to him, the useless sword, and spends most of his time showing up and administering smackdowns to his annoying baby brother. Inu cut Sess's left arm off during one of these battles, which is probably why Sess no longer transforms into his huge demon-dog form, because I bet he thinks he'd look stupid as a three-legged dog.

Sesshoumaru eventually figures out how his sword works when he brings Rin, a small human girl who was savaged by wolves that attacked her village, back to life. Even before the attack, she was an orphaned outcast in the village, so she tags after Sesshoumaru, who makes a few token attempts to command her to go away but eventually gives up and she, he, and the small comedy sidekick demon Jakken who also tags after Sesshoumaru (because he fought under Sess in a huge war and swore to follow him always - woo, command presence!), plus a two-headed lizard-beast-horse-thing form an unlikely pack.

Because Sess tends to leave Jakken, Rin, and the lizardy thing behind when he goes on the Inu!Rampage, it took a long time for the main characters to realize that the human-hating Sesshoumaru has basically adopted this small human child. The Big Baddie Naraku steals Rin at one point to try to manipulate Sesshoumaru, which means that Sess considers Naraku his mortal enemy now. Entirely because of the insult to his august personage, of course, and not because he cares one way or the other about Rin, oh, no. When he's notified that Naraku has Rin, it's great: as

octopedingenue puts it, his reaction is basically. "Why should I care? It has nothing to do with me. I'm just going for a walk. In this direction. This is a good direction."

And all of that is only ONE TINY PART of the enormous sprawling saga that its Inu-Yasha.

*dies laughing*

*hides Kinsale paperbacks*

Oh my gosh, BENDY LASER BEAMS. I watched Wolf's Rain and just about had a FIT.

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Cool bits, cracktastic bits

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Hi, Laura Kinsale!

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Shorter H. P. Lovecraft

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Re: Hi, Laura Kinsale!

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