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For my own benefit, I am looking for stories of two types of therapy moments:
1. Things a therapist did right.
2. Things a therapist did wrong.
In both cases, I'm looking for things that weren't obvious.
For "wrong things," I'm not thinking of clearly, extremely terrible things that I would never do in a million years, like having sex with a client, telling a client their abuse was their own fault, telling a client not to be gay, etc. I'm looking for mistakes that were more subtle than that - things a well-meaning but inexperienced therapist might do. For example, it was not beneficial to me (as a client) to let me sit there and recount lengthy abuse stories, and then have the therapist immediately start delving deeper into the abuse. But that's not an obvious mistake on the level of "It was all your fault it happened."
For right things, also, I'm looking for moments that went beyond the obvious "She was very empathetic," "He told me it wasn't my fault," or "She helped me see the connections between my childhood and my adult relationships." I am particularly interested in any times in which a therapist managed to do a good job with identity issues (gender, culture, etc), whether or not the therapist had the same identity as the client.
I realize that everyone is different, and what's right for one person may be wrong for another. I'm not looking for a rule book, but rather for inspiration and food for thought.
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1. Things a therapist did right.
2. Things a therapist did wrong.
In both cases, I'm looking for things that weren't obvious.
For "wrong things," I'm not thinking of clearly, extremely terrible things that I would never do in a million years, like having sex with a client, telling a client their abuse was their own fault, telling a client not to be gay, etc. I'm looking for mistakes that were more subtle than that - things a well-meaning but inexperienced therapist might do. For example, it was not beneficial to me (as a client) to let me sit there and recount lengthy abuse stories, and then have the therapist immediately start delving deeper into the abuse. But that's not an obvious mistake on the level of "It was all your fault it happened."
For right things, also, I'm looking for moments that went beyond the obvious "She was very empathetic," "He told me it wasn't my fault," or "She helped me see the connections between my childhood and my adult relationships." I am particularly interested in any times in which a therapist managed to do a good job with identity issues (gender, culture, etc), whether or not the therapist had the same identity as the client.
I realize that everyone is different, and what's right for one person may be wrong for another. I'm not looking for a rule book, but rather for inspiration and food for thought.
Anonymous comments are enabled but screened. If you comment anonymously, please let me know whether or not you'd like me to unscreen.
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1) Her office has a rainbow flag sticker and a few small posters with feminist sayings on them (which might be bad news for some clients, but I really appreciated not having to spend any time or energy sussing out her views on those things).
2) I'm not comfortable with a lot of effusive praise or sympathy, and I associate this discomfort with social class -- I grew up in a poor neighbourhood, with people who were struggling, and so strength was prized above all else. Where I grew up, you don't praise people you respect because to do so makes remarkable a thing which should be taken for granted. You also don't sympathize because it's rude to point out you noticed how someone else is vulnerable.
I think my current therapist is coming from a really different background and I'm fairly certain her personally preferred mode of communicating is not much like mine, but within the first few minutes of our initial visit, she'd picked up on what's comfortable for me and had adjusted herself accordingly. Most therapists I've had have probably come from similarly different class backgrounds, but none has managed that particular adjustment as gracefully -- and some have tried to force me to adopt their norms, thinking my discomfort was related to low self-esteem and refusing to believe me when I explained it is not. (I know I've handled all the shit in my life pretty awesomely, considering! I do not need to pay someone to tell me that.)