A Quokka Dreeds its Weird

"Sorry I saw your dick, er, dicks, sir."

A current romance trend is D&D-style romcoms with monster heroes. Love, Laugh, Lich is about the romance between an undead lich and his secretary Lily. It takes place entirely in the office, and is about 60% romcom about a magical workplace and 40% fucking.

He towers over me, staring into my soul probably. I mean, as far as I can tell, the cloak's hood doesn't have eyeballs, but even as I look into that endless void, I can feel his gaze sweeping over me, sending goosebumps over my skin.

How does a lich who is nothing but a cloak and a chilly void fuck his secretary, you ask? You may be surprised to hear that the answer involves three dicks. They are stacked vertically. The top one has a sucker and is for Lily's clit. The middle one is a regular dick and is for her vagina. The bottom one, appropriately, is for her bottom.

(He has a physical form when he wants to. It's enormous and has a bear's head, a mane, golden eyes, four large horns, claws, and a tail. In addition to three dicks.)

At one point he puts a magical butt plug up Lily's ass and it just stays there for several chapters while she wanders around the office and has conversations with people.

Despite the D&D trappings, what this reminded me of the most was the trend from about five years back of lighthearted romance novelettes about billionaire bosses fucking their secretaries. Nothing much happens other than the lich and Lily flirting and fucking; at the end he gives her his heart (literally, it's in a jar) and the book abruptly ends.

This book is a smash hit and I wanted to see why.

Chapter One explains a lot of the reason why. It opens with the heroine, Feyre perched in a tree with a bow, desperately hoping to kill a deer because it's the dead of winter and she's the sole breadwinner for her useless family who used to be rich but have fallen on hard times and will starve without it.

She spots a deer, but it's being stalked by a wolf so huge it must be Fae. The Fee have left the human realm, but are separated in this location by a penetrable wall. The Fae murdered and enslaved humans before the land was divided between them due to a Treaty stating that no human can kill a Fae except in self-defense. But Feyre needs the deer and she hates the Fae, who prey on humans, so she shoots the wolf dead with an arrow of ash and iron, then skins it to sell the pelt and lugs the deer home. Her family (useless disabled dad; useless featherbrained sister; mean sister) is totally ungrateful.

You're probably getting the picture of how incredibly iddy and tropey this is, but let me walk you through a little more.

Then! A Fae beast whose description sounds exactly like the Beast in the Disney cartoon shows up. He menaces the family, causing everyone to cower but Feyre, who fights him. He's showed up because she murdered his friend (the wolf) and now she has a choice: cake or death!

That is, she must choose between going with him to live in Faerieland forever, or being murdered on the spot. After a lot of angsting, she chooses to go.

On her way out, her father begs her forgiveness and literally says, "You were too good for us!"

In Faerie, she finds that the Beast is also a really hot High Fae man named Tamlin who is unfailingly nice to her. She must live in his lavish mansion with its beautiful garden (albeit haunted by dangerous evil fairies on occasion) and his really hot High Fae friend Lucien who is snarky and interestingly scarred. Everyone wears cool masquerade masks. Feyre is given a beautiful room, a maid, lavish meals and clothes, told that her family is well-cared for, and basically given everything she could possibly desire.

Let's have a trope check!

Heroine: a cross between Katniss Everdeen (bow, hunting, family breadwinner), Cinderella (terrible sisters, dead mother, worked to death by ungrateful family), Beauty (her name is a version of Fair, her situation is pure "Beauty and the Beast") and Janet (she's in a romantic situation with a guy named Tamlin who's being oppressed by an evil Fae queen.) She's competent (well, at hunting anyway), talented (she's a painter), tough, brave, beautiful, spunky, and has a cool name. (Feyre is pronounced Fay-ruh, as is slipped into narration.)

Fairytale motifs: "Cinderella," "Beauty and the Beast," "Tam Lin," ( Read more... ).

Iddy tropes: Where do I even start. This book is nothing but id. Lots of lush, evocative descriptions of fairies and magic. Multiple hot guys who are all into her and have angst. Heroine is pampered and given everything she wants. Danger, secrets, and mysteries. Your terrible family realizes how badly they were treating you and that you're too good for them and apologize. Everything is awesomely angsty, awesomely terrible, or just plain awesome - sometimes all at once, like when Feyre is cursed with a permanent mark... which looks like a very beautiful elbow-length lace glove with intricate flower patterns.

In short, this book goes all-out on "Unappreciated, unhappy girl is taken away from her terrible home and brought to a gorgeous, cool, dangerous new place where she is given everything she could ever want, her skills are needed, she has hot men in love with her, and she finds a place, a purpose, and love."

The worldbuilding is lavish and lush and totally uninterested in actual logic. For instance, Feyre says that humans no longer have Gods or celebrate holidays ever since the Fae left, which would have fascinating implications if it was the kind of book where that sort of thing is meant to be a dangling clue rather than a "my human life was so terrible that holidays are literally banned." Later she mentions that they do celebrate Summer Solstice, but it's not a cool celebration like they have in Faerie. Let's just say this is a not a book for you if you like your fantasy worlds to have plausible economic systems.

Speaking of lack of logic, Feyre has some Too Stupid To Live moments, such as when she's warned that she'll be in danger if she leaves her room due to a magic sex ritual happening outside, and she decides based on very little evidence that it must be over and wanders out for a midnight snack.

That aside, the first half had a lot of elements that normally appeal to me, but was hampered by me not liking Feyre. Right at the beginning, she hated or disdained everyone, and even though her family clearly deserved it, it meant that until she started warming up to the Fae characters, we never got to see her interact with anyone she liked. Her purpose was to protect her family, but since she had literally nothing good to say about any of them ever, it felt shoehorned in for the sake of the plot rather than organic from her character.

Katniss loved Prim, Menolly loved Petiron even before she loved her fire lizards, and Bella loved her father, but Feyre doesn't even like anyone until about a third of the way into the book. I realized while reading this that I need a character to either love someone, have some kind of intense purpose that makes sense for their character, or have a very appealing narrative voice for me to be invested in them as a character.

And then we hit the second half, which is where I went from enjoying the aesthetic and balls-to-the-walls-ness of it, to getting actually invested. The second half has a number of twists, which are not shocking per se but are interesting and fun.

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I think how much you're likely to enjoy this book largely depends on how much you're in the mood for lush fairytale retellings with some cool original touches, which run entirely on id and Rule of Cool. I spent a highly enjoyable afternoon reading it on the sofa and have already launched into book two.

Content notes: For Reasons (one plot-related, one magic whammy) which are that the author is into it, both potential love interests have scenes where they non-consensually kiss or touch the heroine. Torture. A man gets shot while in wolf form.

Theodora Taylor is an indie romance writer, a Black woman married to a white man who likes to write interracial romance (most of her books are in the "50 Loving States" series, I assume a play on the landmark interracial marriage case "Loving vs. Virginia"), and wrote a fun book on writing iddy tropes, 7 FIGURE FICTION: How to Use Universal Fantasy to SELL Your Books to ANYONE, in which she memorably referred to the tropes as butter.

I was unexpectedly charmed by Her Viking Wolf, considering that to me, a lot of Taylor's favorite iddy tropes are either anti-iddy (kidnap romance, extreme asshole alphas, A/B/O, knotting) or neutral (white dudes.)

It starts with some unusual worldbuilding. Werewolves can use a few time and space travel portals to be teleported to their true mate, which they often do as much because their own time/place is oppressive as that they want to meet their mate.

The werewolf heroine, Chloe, loves meeting these out-of-time werewolves, which she gets to do because after being abandoned as a child, she was taken in by the pack alpha's family and raised along with the alpha heir, Rafe, to whom she's not engaged. However, she's suspiciously not all that into him (and feels guilty about it). What she really loves is living in her little cottage and running her vlog about being a Black cottagecore homesteader. Rafe does not approve of this.

When a hot Viking werewolf comes through the portal, claims her as his mate, attacks Rafe with a sword, and gets tranquilized, one thing leads to another. By which I mean that for ~reasons~ she is the only person who can give him a sponge bath!

More things lead to each other, and soon Chloe is forcibly married and kidnapped to Viking times. (It's okay, he won't lay a hand on her sexually without permission.) It helps that the reason the hero (unsurprisingly named Fenris) kidnapped her and won't let her return to her own time is that cultural norms are different in his time, rather than him just being an asshole.

Interestingly, Chloe ends up loving Viking times ("an amusement park made up entirely of things she's interested in") and gets along a lot better with Fenris's household than with Fenris himself; both of them need to make some concessions and learn more about each other for the romance to work. It's all surprisingly sweet.

Son of the Dragon, by T. S. Joyce

ETA: Oops, this was a placeholder I forgot to set to "private." Leaving it up as there's discussion in comments.

Dead, Dead, he's good in bed.

Dead of Winter, the most uncouth of the bucking bull shifters, reveals a sweet and sensitive side that will only be surprising to someone who's never read a T. S. Joyce book. Her heroes talk trash, come on strong, and fight each other a lot, but they are unfailingly kind, gentle, sweet, and supportive with the women they love (and women in general), once you get past their rough defensive shields.

The heroine of this book is Raven, a goth cow shifter raised by humans who does funeral flower arrangements, who was branded at birth and still bears the scars. Dead sweeps her off her feet, gets her to attend an autograph signing with him where she reveals a lot of managerial skill, and takes her to go mudding (driving around spraying your opponent's car with mud) and spend the night with him in his camper while making it absolutely clear in advance that he no matter how dirty he talks, he will 100% respect her right to say no as well as yes.

Dead is a really fun hero, but the star of the book is Raven's inner cow, Hagan's Lace. She is a purebred longhorn who hates everyone and everything, which makes her perfect for the rodeo. (Unlike, say, Zoe Chant's inner animals which are reflections of the characters' truest selves, Joyce's inner animals are "monsters" who are viewed as separate from the people who contain them.) Hagan's Lace only gets a little page time, but it's worth the entire price of the book.

Fuck that man. And fuck that glow stick.

Dead of Winter (Battle of the Bulls Book 2)

I am delighted to present His Magical Pet, an anthology to benefit OutRight Action International, which fights for the rights of LGBTIAQ people across the world. All profits will go to OutRight in perpetuity.

Have a shot of concentrated joy, with nine stories of men in love... and their adorable magical pets!

In this enchanting collection, supervillain husbands apply to adopt a cat, a dog with wings helps old friends confess hidden desires, a tour guide for an island of magical New Zealand wildlife falls for a visiting naturalist, and much, much more!

Includes all-new stories from Tate Hallaway, Aster Glenn Gray, Liv Rider, and more of your favorite authors.

“Chitter-Chatter,” by Riley Rivers. A chatty squirrel, accidentally given the power of speech through a spell gone wrong, tries to matchmake her two favorite humans - who unfortunately can’t stand each other.

“Catastrophe,” by Liv Rider. Matthew's new protection spell needs some workshopping. Especially since it keeps making his cat suddenly appear in his hot new neighbor's apartment.

“Care and Feeding,” by Aster Glenn Gray. Gabriel and Dmitri seem stuck as platonic friends... unless Gabriel's flying bichon frise Moppet can help them see each other in a new way.

“Throw Me a Bone,” by Elva Birch. New werewolf Lucas is forced to masquerade as his own pet when he chases his runaway collie right into the yard of his neighbor crush.

“If Not for the Rat,” by Avery Vanderlyle. A Changeling and his human lover pick up a pet rat that is much more than it seems.

“Fate and Your Average Supervillain,” by Tate Hallaway. Supervillain husbands try to craft the perfect application to adopt a cat from annoyingly picky agencies.

“Now You See Me,” by CJ Krome. A ghost bird brings a lonely ghost and a hot human together… but can they stay together?

“In a Blink,” by Mona Midnight. Alec's cabin getaway is just an excuse to work on his thesis--until a friendly cat and her sweet, gorgeous owner turn his trip into the perfect vacation.

"Gulls and Snails and Quokka Tails," by Harriet Bell. Nik wasn't keen on guiding a bunch of visitors around his family's island of magical New Zealand wildlife - but then he met the handsome naturalist who'd signed up.



It is available on Amazon only for three months, after which it will go into wider distribution. A paperback will be available shortly (also through Amazon.) If you can't afford a copy but want to review it, please contact me. If you want a non-Amazon copy now, please PayPal me the price of the book to Rphoenix2@hotmail.com (NOT gmail).

The companion collection, Her Magical Pet, is also available!

Please signal-boost this if you feel so inclined.

Normally prologues suck, but this book starts with a good one: Maris’s horrible husband dumps her while texting his girlfriend, in between putting her down and informing her that he’s taking all their expensive and necessary ranch equipment to use on his girlfriend’s ranch. Oh yeah, and he was cheating on her all along. Bye!

One year later, Maris is struggling to keep her ranch going. Wolves have been slaughtering her cattle, and she’s forced to give up on her dreams and put her beloved herd up for auction. Enter surly, sexy cowboy Bryson, who buys it and then drives the lot of them right back to her ranch. Maris, unwilling to be pitied or take charity, stuffs a calf into the front of her truck and drives it right back to the ranch where Bryson works as a hired hand!

This has a distinctly realistic/gritty tone (typical for Joyce). The hero has cow shit on his boots, cows go to the slaughterhouse, and werewolves piss all over the heroine's property. (The hero says this is like texting for them!)

The hero is a bit macho/controlling and initially comes across as a dick to the heroine, who slaps him. But his heart is clearly in the right place, and he backs off the assholery very quickly. He's having trouble controlling his grizzly bear, and unlike some of Joyce's books where "oh no, I'm losing control!" is said but not shown, here he actually rampages and slaughters cattle at the ranch he's working at. (This shows how much the werewolf brothers who own the ranch value him, as we've seen how valuable cattle are.) He has a REALLY tragic backstory.

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Maris, the heroine, is a typically likable, realistic, down to earth Joyce heroine with the exception of one truly bizarre bit, which is that she grabs her tits when startled. I... really don't get this.

It's a well-done, satisfying book. I especially liked the interactions with the werewolf brothers, who help Maris take sweet revenge on her evil ex-husband and save her life after she gets bitten. Joyce is great at rough-around-the-edges found family.

However, warning that I read the second book in the series, which I'll review tomorrow, and pretty much hated it. So if you haven't read Joyce before, don't start here. Start with Saw Bears or Grey Back Bears.

Steal Her Heart (Kaid Ranch Shifters Book 1)

Back from a trip, back to reviewing everything I read. Amnesty on stuff I read while I was away, though I read this one on the plane.

Agnes is a southern food writer with a history of whacking cheating boyfriends over the head with a frying pan. While preparing to host a wedding at her house, a dognapper invades her kitchen and gets whacked over the head with a frying pan. An incredibly tangled farrago of hijinks ensues, including but definitely not limited to a hot hitman named Shane, a lot of mobsters, a hidden bomb shelter, and a pair of flamingos.

I love Jennifer Crusie's solo romances, but had previously failed to get into her co-written books. I made a more determined attempt at this one, finished it, and realized that there was a reason I had failed to get into her co-written books.

This is kind of a strange book on its own, and a really strange book if you're familiar with Crusie's other work. A lot of it is really, really funny in the usual Crusie style, and she's often tended toward baroquely complicated plots with large ensemble casts and thriller elements. What Bob Mayer apparently added was a bunch of very standard-for-thriller action sequences, even more baroquely complicated plotting, a lot of gross male gazeyness which is the opposite of how Crusie normally writes, and off-putting graphic violence.

This produced a book that sometimes plays the violence seriously and is a pitch-black comedy, and sometimes doesn't and is a comedy with thriller aspects. It's also got a ton of "bitch" and "whore" and "slut," mostly played straight - again, not what I expect from Crusie. For me, the result was really off-putting and also was the first Crusie book I've ever read in which I didn't like the characters.

I see it has acquired the dreaded "a novel:"

Agnes and the Hitman: A Novel

Letty Campbell inherited a chicken farm in Yorkshire from her aunt. Two years later, she’s got her hands full with an obstreperous rooster, an ex-girlfriend with a too-good-to-be-true financial offer, a librarian who’s coming out late and needs Letty to show her the lesbian social scene, and the librarian’s straight niece who loves cars.

The chicken farm is a great setting though occasionally under-researched, the 90s lesbian scene in England is also a great setting that clearly didn’t need to be researched at all as it has the distinct ring of lived experience, and Letty is a hilarious narrator.

What could possibly go wrong with this book? Well, after 168 pages of hijinks in a book that’s 177 pages total, we suddenly get this (not offensive, just bizarre): ( Read more... )

96% delightful romantic comedy with a fun setting and charming cast, 4% OMGWTFBBQ mystery/action plot that comes 100% out of nowhere. I can’t help suspecting that the latter was inserted to make the book more commercial, but it is incredibly obviously not where Fritchley’s heart is – so much so that in the wrap-up, Letty mentions that if we want an explanation for the action plot, we can read the newspaper. No we can’t, this is FICTION!

I enjoyed this a lot overall and there are definitely worse flaws a book could have than a sudden swerve into “Oops, I guess this needs a mystery plot, who cares if it makes any sense?” However, I have been tipped off that my favorite supporting characters are only in the first book, so I’ll probably leave it at that.

Chicken Run (Letty Campbell Mysteries)

An F/F amnesia romance with all the tropes, plus a nicely done mystery and more emotional realism than I expected.

Cara wakes up in a hospital with a bunch of people she doesn’t recognize, including one very hot woman, calling her “Care,” a nickname she despises. The last thing she remembers is prom. But they tell her she’s been in college for three years. Apparently she got retrograde amnesia after jogging into a tree. (I give Logan points for making the accident both ridiculous and the sort of ridiculous thing many of us have actually done. I have not jogged into a tree. But I have walked into a lightpost.)

Cara had intended to come out when she went to college, so she jumps to the not-unnatural conclusion that she did and that Bibi, the sexy woman she lives with who is very concerned and also handsy, is her girlfriend. But she’s baffled by a number of other things: how did she change from a shy bookworm to an outgoing party girl? Why does she now drink and party (and jog!) when she remembers hating all those things? Why is her family being so weirdly cagey about the last three years? And when will Bibi stop being so standoffish and get back to having the awesome sex they must have been enjoying for years?

You will not be surprised that, as we immediately learn from Bibi’s POV, she and Cara are roommates, not girlfriends. Also, Cara was not out, and Bibi is straight (she thinks). But Cara is so devastated by the amnesia (which is likely to force her to drop out of school, among other things), it seems cruel to immediately drop what will feel like a breakup on her. Surely it would be better to just be extra-affectionate for a little while, until she’s stronger, of course without doing anything actually sexual…

This leads exactly where you expect: once Bibi steps into the role, she finds it surprisingly comfortable and tempting, and Cara herself surprisingly desirable. Meanwhile, Cara is more and more disturbed by the changes from the person she was to the person she apparently became. Everyone says college changes you, but this much?

The writing is clunky (though some of the dialogue is pretty funny) but the story is well-done. The mystery aspect makes it a page-turner, and it has a satisfying resolution. (Not involving sexual assault, just FYI.) Bibi’s sexual awakening is believable and hot, the minor characters all have just a little more depth and complexity than you’d expect, and tropes aside, the character interactions and emotions feel real. Cara is naturally upset when Bibi finally confesses all, but is most bothered by the question of why she’s still in the closet.

I want a tropey amnesia romance to be hot, play out certain tropes, and explore some questions of identity. This isn’t great literature but it does do all that, and I enjoyed it more than some more polished books that don’t follow through on their own premises.

I Remember You