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I am still taking pleas for help here, if anyone's still interested. That link is also the place to add comments or follow-up questions; comments to this post will not be screened, in case fellow readers want to chime in with further advice or sympathy.
Okay. Here's my problem to which I would like a unique and concrete solution.
I am emo emo emo about this, and I think the problem is stupid stupid stupid, but it seems to be stopping me from moving forward, so stupid or not, I'm going to ask for advice. Ahem.
So, after trying very hard to be an overachiever (see: grad school, then working in finance, etc etc), I eventually stumbled into a library job. The job is easy. Very very easy. I mean, I automated the entirety of it within two months and now I do nothing at work, except read fic and lj and so on. It doesn't pay great, but it pays okay, and I have twenty days of paid vacation a year. And so I decided to get my MLS because that way I will make about double the pay, assuming I can find a position, which I think I can. And still have all that great vacation, etc.
But I don't care about the job. I mean, at all. I care about my art, really, and that's pretty much where my passion lies. I find the library conferences dead boring, and usually google does provide a better, easier, faster answer than a complicated federated database search on our Uni website. And I feel very fucking guilty about that. I feel like I'm taking my work for a ride.
But, I don't want to pursue art as a career. I mean, yes, I want to be a multi-published artist with a TPOP contract, but I don't want to depend on my art for money at all. I want to do my art as good as I can because I want it to be the best damn art there is, and for no other reason. Which also feels shallow by the way, but not nearly as shallow as the whole getting paid to read fic thing.
So I have all this time in the evening when I could be drawing, but I don't, because! I feel guilty. I mean, there isn't anything I should be legitimately doing for my work. And I know that in two years, after I get my MLS, I might switch to a job where I, uh, actually have to do some work at work. (Which would be nice because it is so damn boring doing nothing.) And then I would have wasted all of that time, because I could have spent those empty hours becoming a better artist but I blew it on noodling around reading fic or writing porn or whatever. And I absolutely cannot switch job now, because I'm kinda the main breadwinner for my mom who is too ill to work full time, etc, because I will be needing the increased dollars from the MLS and my current work will pay and happily.
I also have all of this art that I'm drawing, and I'm getting much much better, but I find myself not finishing the last few touches and posting because. I'm not sure why. I feel guilty about it. Like I'd be pretending I wanted to do this for a career, even though I do want to, kind of, but not for money. And I feel resentful of the idea of just doing art in all my spare time outside of work, because I did that with writing and I ended up HATING the writing and I won't do that to my art.
So I end up bored and restless at work, for hours on end, when I could be drawing. Which is stupid. And I don't want to look for another job because of practical MLS blah blah blah. So I have at least two more years of a job in which I have absolutely nothing to do; I'm sure the grad school will take up some time, but, um, not that much (because it's library school and because it's [location redacted]). So I'm faced with another long series of empty hours doing fucking nothing, because I feel guilty and/or emo. Which is stupid. Because I could be drawing.
I apologize profusely for the boringness of the problem.
Signed,
Emo Artist
Dear Emo Artist,
Actually, this is a rather complex, interrelated set of problems, and I suspect that the complexity is part of what's preventing you from arriving at a solution. So let me begin by simplifying them a bit.
1. My job is boring, but I can't quit.
2. I am not making good use of my time.
3. I have a form of artist's block.
1. The job. This is surprisingly common situation, and while on the surface it seems attractive-- who wouldn't want to get paid for not working?-- in practice, it drives people nuts.
You might alleviate some of the guilt by considering that automating the job was worth the salary you're paid, and so you're not actually taking anyone for a ride. But I think you'd be happier if you were actually working during your work hours-- and, ironically, I think you'd be more productive as an artist if you had less time on your hands. Is it possible to create more useful tasks for yourself, either by looking for problems and fixing them or by requesting more responsibilities?
If you can't do any more library work without stepping on someone else's job, can you set yourself more productive-feeling tasks than reading fic-- research art, collect photo reference, write letters to congress, take online classes in Japanese or French, etc? And, since it sounds like it's possible to do art at your desk, I would try putting that into your schedule, as if it was a college class: 2:00-3:00: Practice digital painting. But not all day. Just part of the day, as if you have a real job and only part of it involves drawing.
2. I think the unwanted free time at work is contributing to your feeling that you're wasting the time you have. If you can schedule your work-day to include more work (even if it's not work you're paid for) and less loafing about, I think you'll be more productive and your off-hours will be more genuinely relaxing.
3. I think the issue with not wanting to earn a living as an artist is a red herring that your subconscious is dragging across your path, as it were, to prevent you from progressing as an artist. Very, very few artists ever earn their living solely from art, no matter how hard they try; therefore, most of them are really doing it for the love of it and to become the best they can be, just like you.
Therefore, if you consider that becoming the best possible artist does not conflict with being a professional artist, nor does it require you to quit your job or otherwise get obsessed with earning a living as an artist... I think the best way to get through your block is to act as if you're already a pro. And I think you know this already, because you're already doing some of what I'd recommend, like entering contests, setting yourself specific tasks, and giving yourself deadlines. I just think you need to do more of the same.
Consult with the writers you're collaborating with, and tell them when you'll turn in the roughs. And then turn in those roughs. Tell them when you'll turn in the inks, and turn in the inks. Post a schedule on your LJ, and stick to it. You may end up resenting spending your off-hours drawing, but all artists resent that sometimes. I don't think it will make you hate your art. And if you get pressed for deadlines, and you know your writer's counting on you, that'll be a kick in the ass to get the art in, whether you do it at the desk or at home.
Okay. Here's my problem to which I would like a unique and concrete solution.
I am emo emo emo about this, and I think the problem is stupid stupid stupid, but it seems to be stopping me from moving forward, so stupid or not, I'm going to ask for advice. Ahem.
So, after trying very hard to be an overachiever (see: grad school, then working in finance, etc etc), I eventually stumbled into a library job. The job is easy. Very very easy. I mean, I automated the entirety of it within two months and now I do nothing at work, except read fic and lj and so on. It doesn't pay great, but it pays okay, and I have twenty days of paid vacation a year. And so I decided to get my MLS because that way I will make about double the pay, assuming I can find a position, which I think I can. And still have all that great vacation, etc.
But I don't care about the job. I mean, at all. I care about my art, really, and that's pretty much where my passion lies. I find the library conferences dead boring, and usually google does provide a better, easier, faster answer than a complicated federated database search on our Uni website. And I feel very fucking guilty about that. I feel like I'm taking my work for a ride.
But, I don't want to pursue art as a career. I mean, yes, I want to be a multi-published artist with a TPOP contract, but I don't want to depend on my art for money at all. I want to do my art as good as I can because I want it to be the best damn art there is, and for no other reason. Which also feels shallow by the way, but not nearly as shallow as the whole getting paid to read fic thing.
So I have all this time in the evening when I could be drawing, but I don't, because! I feel guilty. I mean, there isn't anything I should be legitimately doing for my work. And I know that in two years, after I get my MLS, I might switch to a job where I, uh, actually have to do some work at work. (Which would be nice because it is so damn boring doing nothing.) And then I would have wasted all of that time, because I could have spent those empty hours becoming a better artist but I blew it on noodling around reading fic or writing porn or whatever. And I absolutely cannot switch job now, because I'm kinda the main breadwinner for my mom who is too ill to work full time, etc, because I will be needing the increased dollars from the MLS and my current work will pay and happily.
I also have all of this art that I'm drawing, and I'm getting much much better, but I find myself not finishing the last few touches and posting because. I'm not sure why. I feel guilty about it. Like I'd be pretending I wanted to do this for a career, even though I do want to, kind of, but not for money. And I feel resentful of the idea of just doing art in all my spare time outside of work, because I did that with writing and I ended up HATING the writing and I won't do that to my art.
So I end up bored and restless at work, for hours on end, when I could be drawing. Which is stupid. And I don't want to look for another job because of practical MLS blah blah blah. So I have at least two more years of a job in which I have absolutely nothing to do; I'm sure the grad school will take up some time, but, um, not that much (because it's library school and because it's [location redacted]). So I'm faced with another long series of empty hours doing fucking nothing, because I feel guilty and/or emo. Which is stupid. Because I could be drawing.
I apologize profusely for the boringness of the problem.
Signed,
Emo Artist
Dear Emo Artist,
Actually, this is a rather complex, interrelated set of problems, and I suspect that the complexity is part of what's preventing you from arriving at a solution. So let me begin by simplifying them a bit.
1. My job is boring, but I can't quit.
2. I am not making good use of my time.
3. I have a form of artist's block.
1. The job. This is surprisingly common situation, and while on the surface it seems attractive-- who wouldn't want to get paid for not working?-- in practice, it drives people nuts.
You might alleviate some of the guilt by considering that automating the job was worth the salary you're paid, and so you're not actually taking anyone for a ride. But I think you'd be happier if you were actually working during your work hours-- and, ironically, I think you'd be more productive as an artist if you had less time on your hands. Is it possible to create more useful tasks for yourself, either by looking for problems and fixing them or by requesting more responsibilities?
If you can't do any more library work without stepping on someone else's job, can you set yourself more productive-feeling tasks than reading fic-- research art, collect photo reference, write letters to congress, take online classes in Japanese or French, etc? And, since it sounds like it's possible to do art at your desk, I would try putting that into your schedule, as if it was a college class: 2:00-3:00: Practice digital painting. But not all day. Just part of the day, as if you have a real job and only part of it involves drawing.
2. I think the unwanted free time at work is contributing to your feeling that you're wasting the time you have. If you can schedule your work-day to include more work (even if it's not work you're paid for) and less loafing about, I think you'll be more productive and your off-hours will be more genuinely relaxing.
3. I think the issue with not wanting to earn a living as an artist is a red herring that your subconscious is dragging across your path, as it were, to prevent you from progressing as an artist. Very, very few artists ever earn their living solely from art, no matter how hard they try; therefore, most of them are really doing it for the love of it and to become the best they can be, just like you.
Therefore, if you consider that becoming the best possible artist does not conflict with being a professional artist, nor does it require you to quit your job or otherwise get obsessed with earning a living as an artist... I think the best way to get through your block is to act as if you're already a pro. And I think you know this already, because you're already doing some of what I'd recommend, like entering contests, setting yourself specific tasks, and giving yourself deadlines. I just think you need to do more of the same.
Consult with the writers you're collaborating with, and tell them when you'll turn in the roughs. And then turn in those roughs. Tell them when you'll turn in the inks, and turn in the inks. Post a schedule on your LJ, and stick to it. You may end up resenting spending your off-hours drawing, but all artists resent that sometimes. I don't think it will make you hate your art. And if you get pressed for deadlines, and you know your writer's counting on you, that'll be a kick in the ass to get the art in, whether you do it at the desk or at home.