The Return of the Mammoth (Modesty Blaise comics), by Peter O’Donnell

Modesty Blaise (like a female James Bond, only cooler and with more martial arts) and her knife-throwing platonic life partner Willie Garvin exist in both comics and books; I have read all the books, but not all the comics. They were somewhat formative influences on me, and you will understand why when I summarize the plot of this comic, which I found at Karen and Chaz’s house and had not previously read.

Willie is lounging shirtless in bed with one of his many girlfriends (he likes women, they like him, but Modesty owns his heart and soul) when he gets a call saying “Chloe’s in trouble! Come to Helsinki!” He immediately rushes off. The girlfriend, understandably concerned, calls Modesty, who goes to Helsinki in case he needs help. (This is way pre-cell phones, so she can’t just call him.) She figures Chloe is probably one of his girlfriends or exes.

In Helsinki, she spots a flyer for a circus where Willie sometimes performs as a knife thrower because of course he does, so she goes there to see if he’s checked in with them. The circus folk inform her that Chloe is his favorite elephant, who was recently confiscated by Russian scientists because she is a good genetic match for the frozen mammoth which they excavated from an iceberg. They intend to fertilize her to get a mammoth baby. Willie thought she’d be unhappy away from her sisters and also doesn’t want her experimented on, so he took off to rescue her.

Modesty goes back to her hotel to pack or something before going after him. But an international assassin on a completely unrelated mission spots her, leaps to the conclusion that she’s been sent to take him out, and sends his best goons after her. She takes out two of them unarmed, then gets trapped in a second-floor bathroom with more goons breaking down the door. Also meanwhile, the circus is parading through the streets below. So she strips down to her bra and panties on the excuse that this will look more like a circus costume than her rather modest previous outfit, squirms through the window, yells that she needs a trampoline, and leaps down once the circus people get it in place. Onlookers think this is part of the act and applaud.

This all happens in the first 4 pages.

Modesty then catches up with Willie and they hang-glide into Russia to rescue Chloe. The rest of the comic book (24 pages total) includes multiple gunfights, martial arts fights, several escapes on elephant back, Chloe knocking down the walls of a convenient semi-ruined castle on to more goons, and a climactic battle in which Modesty kills the main assassin with a gun to her head and both hands tied behind her back. (With her feet.) Meanwhile, Willie guards a wounded Russian general who was the original object of the assassination, in anguish because Modesty is wearing a bug in her bra, so he knows she’s in danger and can hear from her accelerated heartbeat that she’s about to make her move, but she made him swear to stay where he was rather than rush to her aid.

In the end, Chloe is restored to the circus and her sisters, Modesty is deeply moved by Willie’s devotion, and the Russian general says the scientists will just have to live without a baby mammoth. If there had been one more page, I’m sure a baby mammoth would have appeared.

Modesty Blaise: The Return of the Mammoth, Plato's Republic, the Sword of the Bruce (The Comic Strip Series)

The Journal of Aaron Burr: Teaser and Emails

I began reading Aaron's Burr's diary while I was in a plane stuck on a runway, repeatedly delayed due to "rain in San Francisco" (not exactly a rare phenomenon), when I was attempting to get to SF for a potentially life-changingly crucial appointment that day. I had allowed myself three hours leeway in addition to the actual time needed to get to the appointment; those hours were rapidly ticking down as the plane was delayed and delayed and delayed. I later learned that there had been no rain in San Francisco at that time. (The plane was 2 1/2 hours late, but I did make the appointment.)

This proved to be the absolute ideal time to read the journal of Aaron Burr. It was written post-duel, pre-treason trial, while he is traveling around Europe to avoid being brought up on a murder charge. Theodosia Jr. is alive. The duel has not yet been mentioned (but I am skimming for the good stuff, and only halfway through, so I could have missed something.)

Burr's diary bears virtually no resemblance not only to any fictional Burrs, but also to ANYTHING you'd expect just from reading the events of his life. It is primarily about his hilarious travel misadventures, and in fact reads remarkably like a travel journal of mine just in terms of events - "it could only happen to Aaron." If you have read the excerpts floating online in which he sets himself on fire and obsesses about a zit on his nose, let me tell you, you have only begun to scratch the surface of the hilarity.

The version I have was put together in 1901 by William K. Bixtbt (typo for Bixby?), with a foreword extolling Burr and saying he was unfairly maligned, and noting that an earlier version was heavily rewritten and censored. So beware that one, I guess. He notes that Burr's handwriting is terrible, and that he uses many foreign words and also some private code, and that while he was more-or-less fluent in French, he also uses lots of words from languages he did not actually speak. The footnotes get more and more annoyed and snippy as the book goes on as the poor editor struggles to make sense of sentences which are 1) illegible, 2) written in three different languages, 3) in which every single word is misspelled, ungrammatical, or both.

I started emailing a friend from the runway. Here are a few of my emails.

10:03 AM. Transcription horrible. You must read anyway. It is hilarious. I am like five pages in and have already encountered the zit saga, which is even funnier in full, plus multiple complaints about bootmakers and much snark.

10:12 AM: He has now been going on about his nose for something like 10 pages.

10:27 AM: One of the very first entries:

Bootmaker a great liar; boots not done.

I feel that this [my plane getting stuck] is the sort of thing that would also happen to Aaron Burr. The nose thing is not actually a zit and the reason for it is HILARIOUS. He sounds like Cyrano de Bergerac.

10:32 AM: Burr is also having bad luck traveling:

After being two hours on the way, missed my handkerchiefs and, upon quiet examination, discovered that I had taken the wrong coat. What a curse to have two coats at a time!

It is like the time I arrived in NYC with no coat and two bottles of red nail polish.

10:51 AM: I am still on the runway. Meanwhile, Burr has somehow lost all his luggage and his carriage fare.

10:54 AM: Burr made it a few entries with no incident, but has now been hungover for two entries in a row.

11:00 AM: Burr is now hungover again. He drinks cream of tartar punch as a remedy. (Yecch.)

Also interesting, he really likes women. Not just to sex up. As people. He keeps noting whether they are smart, pretty, or both.

Resemblance to Miranda's Burr: nil.

Resemblance to Vidal's Burr: only in very limited areas.

11:03 AM: Burr just lost his umbrella and has taken (stolen? unclear) the umbrella of a friend. Fully expect him to lose that too.

Burr's Journal Online. Not sure if this includes the footnotes. I got my copy off Amazon for $1.99.