This movie, which I watched because Rutger Hauer was in it, was the epitome of hilaribad. I was constantly bursting out laughing while watching it, and after a day of nightmarish packing to move, it was a balm to my soul. At points I literally cried laughing.
It opens with an ominous LONDON 2008 caption, followed by a crawl explaining that due to global warming and the US refusal to take it seriously, London is now flooded. Depressingly, this extremely stupid 90s movie was smarter about global warming than any US leadership to date.
We then cut to Rutger Hauer lighting a cigar with a miniature gun/flamethrower, then striding into a random bondage club where a woman violently shakes her tits before he discovers a heartless corpse in the most unrealistic blood splatter pattern I've ever seen - the entire bathroom is carefully painted in very close, very narrow blood-stripes. Hauer proceeds, with the utmost seriousness, to interrogate a dog. This sets the tone for the entire movie.
The movie is basically every stupid mismatched cop partners hunt a serial killer/monster cliche, only dystopian. More importantly, only absolutely hilariously terribly stupidly, and with everyone involved performing with utter seriousness despite the fact that nothing makes any sense on any level, and every single facial expression and line reading and prop is nonsensical or wrong. Also, it's doing a very half-assed Blade Runner impression. The result is amazing.
Rutger Hauer lives in a ridiculously cliche obsessed cop apartment consisting of an attic full of trashed machinery, a brand new motorcycle parked in the middle of the room, a hammock, a lot of pigeons, and several filthy refrigerators he stores his guns in. After a tragic sepia flashback to the ridiculous death of his partner, a pigeon lands on his head.
When he leaves his love interest alone in it, she wanders around, spots a bunch of either brown refrigerator magnets or disgustingly sticky chocolates stuck on to the dirty fridge door in the shape of a heart, and, smiling, eats one. Later, we see that they are all gone and only brown stains remain on the filthy fridge door BARF FOREVER.
The love interest is the ex-wife of his dead partner (this is explained early on, in a cliche monologue explaining that "He's the best at what he does" and also he's addicted to coffee and sugar), and is played by Kim Cattrall, who went on to co-star in Sex and the City. Her role in the movie, other than eating horrifying substances, is to take baths and showers in his filthy apartment, so the cop partners can repeatedly burst in on her naked. This happens at least four times.
Hauer is paired with another cop who keeps reminding us that he went to Oxford, and spouts dialogue like, "So the serial killer's DNA consists of the DNA of everyone he's ever killed and rats. He's like all serial killers rolled into one... The ultimate serial killer!"
(He's actually the Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon. No one ever even tries to explain anything whatsoever about this.)
The Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon kidnaps Oxford for about ten minutes. Rutger Hauer finds him tied up and releases him. They amble back to the gross apartment, where they chat before Oxford keels over. It is then revealed that Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon carved a giant, very complex occult symbol over his entire chest, quite deep, without him noticing! They proceed to compare it to a map of London without bothering to bandage his MASSIVE CHEST WOUNDS or with either of them taking notice of it, then go off to explore some sewers. This is never mentioned again.
There is so much more, but I will content myself with noting three more things.
1. Even basic stunts like falls and rolls are executed incompetently. People drop out of sight like they fell through a trap door, or their boots wave upside down in the air for much too long, or some such, always to inappropriately hilarious effect.
2. It is never clear whether dogs are intelligent or whether Hauer is just batshit. He interrogates more dogs, who always just stare at him blankly. Later he interrogates a child, in the exact same manner, who gives him the exact same blank stare.
3. After Oxford rescues him from the Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon, Hauer gives the standard dumb buddy cop line, "Took you long enough." Only he says it like he's doing a half-assed Bugs Bunny imitation.
I watched this movie with![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
scioscribe and highly recommend it as a buddy watch to those who appreciate such things. Trust me, my description does not spoil anything.
Split Second
It opens with an ominous LONDON 2008 caption, followed by a crawl explaining that due to global warming and the US refusal to take it seriously, London is now flooded. Depressingly, this extremely stupid 90s movie was smarter about global warming than any US leadership to date.
We then cut to Rutger Hauer lighting a cigar with a miniature gun/flamethrower, then striding into a random bondage club where a woman violently shakes her tits before he discovers a heartless corpse in the most unrealistic blood splatter pattern I've ever seen - the entire bathroom is carefully painted in very close, very narrow blood-stripes. Hauer proceeds, with the utmost seriousness, to interrogate a dog. This sets the tone for the entire movie.
The movie is basically every stupid mismatched cop partners hunt a serial killer/monster cliche, only dystopian. More importantly, only absolutely hilariously terribly stupidly, and with everyone involved performing with utter seriousness despite the fact that nothing makes any sense on any level, and every single facial expression and line reading and prop is nonsensical or wrong. Also, it's doing a very half-assed Blade Runner impression. The result is amazing.
Rutger Hauer lives in a ridiculously cliche obsessed cop apartment consisting of an attic full of trashed machinery, a brand new motorcycle parked in the middle of the room, a hammock, a lot of pigeons, and several filthy refrigerators he stores his guns in. After a tragic sepia flashback to the ridiculous death of his partner, a pigeon lands on his head.
When he leaves his love interest alone in it, she wanders around, spots a bunch of either brown refrigerator magnets or disgustingly sticky chocolates stuck on to the dirty fridge door in the shape of a heart, and, smiling, eats one. Later, we see that they are all gone and only brown stains remain on the filthy fridge door BARF FOREVER.
The love interest is the ex-wife of his dead partner (this is explained early on, in a cliche monologue explaining that "He's the best at what he does" and also he's addicted to coffee and sugar), and is played by Kim Cattrall, who went on to co-star in Sex and the City. Her role in the movie, other than eating horrifying substances, is to take baths and showers in his filthy apartment, so the cop partners can repeatedly burst in on her naked. This happens at least four times.
Hauer is paired with another cop who keeps reminding us that he went to Oxford, and spouts dialogue like, "So the serial killer's DNA consists of the DNA of everyone he's ever killed and rats. He's like all serial killers rolled into one... The ultimate serial killer!"
(He's actually the Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon. No one ever even tries to explain anything whatsoever about this.)
The Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon kidnaps Oxford for about ten minutes. Rutger Hauer finds him tied up and releases him. They amble back to the gross apartment, where they chat before Oxford keels over. It is then revealed that Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon carved a giant, very complex occult symbol over his entire chest, quite deep, without him noticing! They proceed to compare it to a map of London without bothering to bandage his MASSIVE CHEST WOUNDS or with either of them taking notice of it, then go off to explore some sewers. This is never mentioned again.
There is so much more, but I will content myself with noting three more things.
1. Even basic stunts like falls and rolls are executed incompetently. People drop out of sight like they fell through a trap door, or their boots wave upside down in the air for much too long, or some such, always to inappropriately hilarious effect.
2. It is never clear whether dogs are intelligent or whether Hauer is just batshit. He interrogates more dogs, who always just stare at him blankly. Later he interrogates a child, in the exact same manner, who gives him the exact same blank stare.
3. After Oxford rescues him from the Rat Creature from the Black Lagoon, Hauer gives the standard dumb buddy cop line, "Took you long enough." Only he says it like he's doing a half-assed Bugs Bunny imitation.
I watched this movie with
scioscribe and highly recommend it as a buddy watch to those who appreciate such things. Trust me, my description does not spoil anything.Split Second
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For some reason, the ambiguity about the possibly super-intelligent dogs is what kills me the most. I just keep picturing Hauer intensely interrogating dogs and children in the same way and cracking up. If only this had become the world's dumbest franchise.
I also love how undecided the movie is about its monster. It's a serial killer! No, wait, it's some kind of super serial killer! Something with rats! Also the Creature From the Black Lagoon! Satanism! It's the living embodiment of some kind of A + B + ??? = PROFIT outline.
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YESSSS. Please give me a full report or, if you're not too distracted, liveblog on their reactions and any new pieces of absurdity you missed the last time because you were laughing too hard.
I want a Jupiter Ascending crossover. She loves dogs!
I totally forgot about the Satanism! Also the cops' totally nonchalant response to a mystery person delivering a cooler with a heart to the police station. Which also begs the question of how the hell the Creature from the Black Lagoon walked unnoticed into a police station carrying a large cooler.
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They thought it was a lunch delivery?
:)
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Anyway, cracking up at everything but especially the ambiguously supersmart dogs.
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DYING OF LAUGHTER.
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Also, PETE POSTLETHWAITE of all people.
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PS (Mainly for the dog interrogation)
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This movie sounds extremely unhygienic!
And also like A Touch Of Cloth but played straight?
Amazing.