Cool bits, cracktastic bits

[rachelmanija]

telophase has created a Cool Bits story generator.

The narrative is about triumph beating the odds. Romance blossoms between a scholar and a woman with a gun, while difficulties they encounter include sex against a wall and nothing being as it seems.

oyceter said that someone should make a Cracktastic Bit generator. I here solicit suggestions of cracktastic bits. They can be from any genre or media, though I do think that manga and anime gives great cracktastic.

By "cracktastic," I mean giant talking soldier ducks, giant robot chickens, heads in jars, heads in jars because the villain cut them off and put them there and hopes to clone the body and revive it so he can kill the person again, random incest, exploding heads, cannibal zombie angels, giant floating eyeballs, diseases that make your head spontaneously fall off, attacking floating fetuses, boys dressed in girls' sailor suit uniforms, "I cross-dress because it's so relaxing!" transformations into pandas, adorable chibi side illustrations of eyeballs on a platter, characters wearing kimono in Victorian London, little boys with bags over their heads and an axe in their hand, librarian chickens in tennis shoes and bonnets, possessed cockatiels, conjoined twin villains, combat butlers, butlers named Rifael Rafael, prosthetic limbs that double as any kind of weapon but especially guns or rocket-launchers, tentacle rape, characters with missing eyes (it's a thing), "Whatever you brought home, make sure you share it with your brothers! Oh... it's a wife?"

You know. Stuff like that.

What are your favorite cracktastic bits?

Comments

[oyceter]

Whoo! I was going to solicit too, so I am glad you did this first!

My favorite cracktastic bits:

Sakura of DOOM, roses of DOOM, irises of DOOM (Romeo x Juliet, rock on), rose whips of DOOM, general flowers of DOOM, vegetation of DOOM.

Heads in jars, heads in boxes, two heads in jars, random heads dropping off due to a wasting disease, random body parts dropping off due to a wasting disease, decapitated heads of loved ones being cradled lovingly in grief, heads of loved ones in jars being cradled lovingly in grief, body parts in jars, named body parts in jars that get talked to lovingly (oh Yuki Kaori... you are so insane), heads in jars that exist solely so they can be sewn back onto an immortal body and reanimated for purposes of love and/or revenge.

Crosses coming out of foreheads. Loligoth kimono with black lace and crinolines in Victorian London. Tragic parakeets in cages that are actually cockatiels. Sexy guys who are swords who are the Lucifer. Cannibal zombie angels. Cannibal zombie angel embryos flying through space (!!!! I will never get over this!). Devotion shown by offering cannibal zombie angels your shoulder to chew on. Hermaphrodites in clown make-up who despise themselves and long for the love of Lucifer. Guys who are the current reincarnation of the most powerful angel in heaven who is female and rebelled against heaven. Crazy space incest. Twins who either love their other twin so much they want to fuck and kill them or hate their other twin so much they want to fuck and kill them.

Ok, I think that's my first run. Sadly (or awesome-ly), nearly all of it is culled from Yuki Kaori.

[oyceter]

OMG! How could I have forgotten? Trios of DOOM consisting of one girl and two guys in which one guy is completely evil and the girl dies (tragically. Possibly involving decapitation).

Giant scientific laboratories of dubious purpose with snaking wires and tubes everywhere. Bonus points for a suspended body in a glass tube. Wired cyborgs or modified people emerging (with wires still attached!) from giant tubs of water/amniotic fluid/who knows.

Suicide via ingesting yellow paint! A woman crashing into a flower shop after being thrown off a moving carriage and lying there, strewn with flowers. A beauty potion that actually eats you up from the inside and ends up destroying your eyeballs.

Angels as experimented human beings who are turned into weapons of mass destruction with skeletal, bloody wings (I will forever love Immortal Rain just for this!). Immortals whose hearts have been replaced with an iron cross on the chest. Iron crosses with a date of when said immortal's mortal enemy will be reincarnated. Evil children who are the reincarnation of evil people and claw their way out of their mother's womb (I kid you not).

Random goat heads and upside-down crosses! College students being turned into quivering lumps of flesh! Police thinking that is a prank! Naked women in churches!

Men who are missing their right eye! Men who are missing their right eye because they 1) tore it out themselves in remorse, 2) had it put out by their mortal enemy cum true love, 3) tore it out themselves to prove how manly they were. (I forget some of the other popular reasons)

Random mermaids. Random mouse-men. Insane long-haired doctors with glasses and organs in jars. OMG! I forgot! *points at icon* Evil death-dealing parrots of DOOM!

OMG GIANT WALRUS! I forgot the giant walrus!

[elynne.livejournal.com]

* bodies that explode in gore, and then explode in a fireball, for no discernable reason.
* Main characters that endlessly repeat the other main character's names, preferably at top volume.
* Sexy villans who pose dramatically on elevated outcroppings to give dramatic speeches and laugh at the heroes dramatically.
* Finding something bizarre, gooey, and organic on the ground, poking at it a bit, picking it up to examine it more closely, and absent-mindedly sticking it in your pocket.
* Attack hair.

I'm sure I could think of others, but I'm still waking up. *sips chai*

[elynne.livejournal.com]

More:

* malevolent fungus-insects from outer space that communicate by turning their heads different colours and steal people's brains and stick them in jars with synthetic voice boxes.
* malevolent life-sucking space-traveling colours.
* giant blind albino cave penguins that shout the names of horrible gods.
* people descended from fish-people.
* colossally huge malevolent supersentient magical burrowing worm-things that cause earthquakes.
* a blind idiot god the size of a planet that mindlessly devours everything it encounters.
* everything else H.P. Lovecraft or his co-conspirators ever wrote ever.

[octopedingenue]

And Now For Something Completely Different-Style Deus Ex Machina that is so in-your-face, deliberate, fanservicey, foreshadowed-feeling-whether-you-can-tell-it-is-or-not, and twisted back on itself that it turns into a koan-like OF COURSE.

Surprise, your best friend is secretly a demon who is secretly a sword with a soul who is secretly Satan who is secretly in love with you before you were dead and all of him got pseudo-amnesia? OF COURSE HE IS.
Surprise, hugging people turns them into animals? OF COURSE IT DOES.
[Fruits Basket spoilers up to where rachelmanija has read] Surprise, Akito is a woman?[/spoiler] OF COURSE HE IS.
[Fruits Basket spoilers significantly PAST where rachelmanija has read] Surprise, the cliffhanger from the late chaper ends with the cliff from the first chaper breaking?[/spoiler] OF COURSE IT DOES.
Surprise, "the writer grew frustrated and called a duck into the story"? OF COURSE THE WRITER DID.

[telophase.livejournal.com]

Not that you really need the titles, but in case you want to track down the origins of particular bits of crack.

Smokin' hot homicidal maniacs (1001 Nights, Threads of Time)
Dimensional travel through a toilet (Kyou Kara Maoh - it's through any sort of water, actually, but the protagonist first travels when he's getting a swirlie.)
A stoic bishounen who knits to relax (KKM also - it's a veritable cornucopia of crack)
The bitchiest uke ever (KKM)
Rampaging headless demons (InuYasha)
Psychopathic blond clones (Advent Children)
Traveling upwards by jumping off of falling rocks, masonry, etc. (every shounen anime evar)
A battle sitar (Kingdom Hearts II - hey, video games have JUST AS MUCH CRACK)
Smokin' hot genocidal maniacs (Sephiroth!!)
Child ninjas.
Swords larger than the person wielding them. (every video game evar)
Characters and spells named after 80s hair bands (JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Bastard!!)



I'm not sure how to distill the crack in Death Note into sound bites. :/

[telophase.livejournal.com]

Cats or cat-demons trying to marry women. (Princess Tutu, Ranma 1/2)
Gratuitous floating feathers (every shoujo evar)
Yakuza with hearts of gold (Gokusen)

[oracne.livejournal.com]

Being shipwrecked in the Falkland Islands, penguins of any variety, having amnesia and thinking you're a criminal...

oh, you meant examples that aren't REAL?

Hi, Laura Kinsale!

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

"Of course I'm still living in the house full of active booby-traps set up by my evil father who hated me! Here, have a penguin."

"Welcome to my tower full of orphan kiddies I'm training to be ninja assassins. They call me Il Corvo, or sometimes Lucifer. Why yes, I always wear robes embroidered with Kabalistic symbols."

"They call me 'Man-Shark.'"

[oracne.livejournal.com]

Somebody said attack hair. Attack EYEBROWS. And NOSE HAIRS.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

I first thought "attack nose hair" but decided that the general genre of "attack hair" is in itself cracktastic enough. "Attack nose hair" just makes it that much more cracktical.

[yeloson.livejournal.com]

- "Now face my TRUE FORM" (true form is always nasty btw)
- Pindot eyes (indication that all sanity is gone)
- The Beam of Cleansing (TM)
- Bendy laser beams
- Casual use of megasuperpsycho powers
- Prefix madness (giga-hyper-mega-super-etc.)
- Combining robots
- The silent badass with a sword
- The really strong rowdy guy
- "Oops, we broke reality"
- Collateral damage from "powering up"
- The Traumatic flashback
- The shy crush
- Supernatural casual agility (balancing on light poles, diving into water without ripples, etc.)
- The jerky/jitter movement of insanity/undeath
- The Necro cuddle (cradling the decapitated head)
- The "bend TOO far back" laugh
- The old guy who no one fucks with
- The badass girl character who whips your ass.

[amberdulen.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, BENDY LASER BEAMS. I watched Wolf's Rain and just about had a FIT.

[matildarose.livejournal.com]

- Anything from Greek tragedy. D: 'lol i married my mom'
- Biblical themes thrown in at random points. WHY IS A SHIP SHAPED LIKE A CROSS RAISING OUT OF THE OCEAN
- Phallic-shaped demons. Megaten and Shadow Hearts, I'M LOOKING AT YOU. D:
- Freudism and Jungism throw in like sprinkles on a nine year old's ice cream cone.
- Fake memories.
- Fake pasts.
- Fake relatives. "OMG YOUR NOT MY MOM BUT AN EXPERIMENTAL ANDROID!?!?"
- Humans bleeding any other color other than red.
- Finding your own blood to be another color than red.
- Evil twins.
- VAGINA DENTATA

[glitternixon.livejournal.com]

Here from fandom_lounge, couldn't resist jumping in,not an anime fan, so I bring you crack from the world of American/British films and TV:

-Fighting one's own evil body parts
-Tree rape
-Motherfucking chainsaw arms! (groovy).
-Being covered with insects/small reptiles, whether hallucinated or not.
-Anything big enough to swallow you without chewing, especially underwater...surviving and getting out.
-Horrible human/whatever hybrids
-Sexy evil robots
-Any Charleton Heston sci-fi reveal ("It was Earth all along!" "Soylent Green is people!")
-Leapfrogging back in time to thwart your opponent (i.e. Curse of Fatal Death)
-Continuing to fight as body parts get hacked off
-Aliens whose mission for whatever reason (bonus points if it's sinister) is to have sex with as many humans as possible.
-Things every part of which is sentient and will attack you (i.e. the blood in "The Thing")

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Oooh, good Evil Dead crack-moments. Count the different blood colors in Evil Dead 2 for bonus points! (five, IIRC) and hundreds of gallons of (black?) blood spewing from the walls and then retracting and then the furniture laughs at you. Rocky gets it!

... god I love that movie.

[meril.livejournal.com]

(Hi! also found re fandom_lounge link!)

Warrior ducks with chicken feet wearing football helmets, people riding giant insects, a military leadership made up entirely up of eternally young clones, robots made of barrels, forgetful girls who can teleport...
...and that's all in one video game. (Suikoden III.)

an oracle powered by feeding people to a vampiric tree; live insects being used as hair decoration (random David Drake novels)

[meril.livejournal.com]

And then I finally see your icon cycle and realize you already know allll about S3 crack. oops.

[larryhammer]

Meeting a penguin in the street, and it follows you home, and lets you feed it and everything -- and you CAN'T KEEP IT.

A green-haired five-year-old who has never met a swing. Nor an air conditioner. Nor a doorbell. Nor knows what school is. Who thinks cicadas are fairies.

Detatchable pigtails. That let you fly.

Aliens crash land on your body and reconstruct you with the wrong sex. (And then move into your closet, and eventually officiate at your underage lesbian wedding at the top of a phantom staircase that's over the snowfalling rainbow.)

Santa is a chick on a hovercycle. Who brings you a little sister in a sack.

Death is a cutie in a kimono riding a flying oar.

Rosa Chinensis en bouton petite sœur.

Now that you have a terminal illness, here's a comfort clone, tailored to be your perfect companion, and oh by the way she'll die around the same time you will.

And finally: "Eventually he lost patience and called a duck into the story."

---L.

[oyceter]

Speaking of penguins, penguins that live in the freezer of an apartment in post-apocalyptic Tokyo.

[lady-noremon.livejournal.com]

flaming pom-poms, random object catching on fire like flower pots, octopus poo, vampire cows, vampires not being able to go out into the sun being able to because of sunglasses, Andy Bell, animals dressed as other animals, roosters in bonnets, jet-propelled steam trains, sitting on clouds because of a pure heart, penguins, beavers, tsuchinokos, Greek gods incarnated in Japan, toaster ovens of extreme holiness, southern preachers, ♪Banana Phone♫, Patrick Steward, "Why baloney is round?", Scroll Lock, being able to be invincible but only on Thursdays, leaky ceilings, forced marriage, forced marriage of two guys, cyborg loli-girls recruited to be sex slaves for teenage boys, skateboarding beavers, EXTREME CHECKERS, flame retardant nightgowns, stripped panties, nuclear powered thong-underwear, characters with random dots on their faces, mummies, teenage girl super hero teams, teenage girl super hero teams made of cross-dressers, Power Rangers, Bibendum, Godzilla with a light saber, helicopter pigtails, AB Lincoln, bowling, ect.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

All this from one sci-fi show:

A love slave who is part brain-eating lizard and will start trying to eat people from the neck up when stressed.

An angry, verbally abusive robot head without a body.

A parasitic plant that takes the form of a beautiful and seductive woman.

An angsty, good-looking assassin who just happens to be undead and dependent on strange dark goo flowing through his veins.

...there was more but I've forgotten it.

[gryfeathr.livejournal.com]

just had to say: <3's for Lexx

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

The girl who simultaneously managed to pass as her dead brother *and* as a beautiful gypsy girl in Contra Viento y Marea was pretty cracktastic, especially when she managed to be the hero's bit on the side *and* his bestest buddy and the idiot never noticed they were the same person.

Also the switched-baby plot. Also the "Let's kidnap the heroine's baby and pretend to rescue it so she'll fall in love with me" bit. Also the other switched baby plot. Also the bed trick (twice). Also the villainess carving her initials in her boyfriend's chest while he was taking a bubble bath, then having an affair with her son (who wasn't actually her son, but she didn't know that) and...

...actually the whole damn show is pretty deranged.

[snarp]

- Satan is God's alternate personality, and they need to integrate to solve their personal problems.

- Satan is regular old person's alternate personality. This will surely cause him some problems!

- Satan's deranged bride from a past life is regular old female person's alternate personality, so he's going to be lounging shirtless around her high school casually killing people from now on, if that's cool, and everything.

- Regular old male person's dead angry sister is his alternate personality, so now he must cross-dress for vengeance.

- Girl tries to sell soul to Satan, he shows up at her high school and sexually harasses her boyfriend.

- Joan of Arc is reincarnated as a Japanese school girl master thief who steals for God.

- Nun-in-training with mysterious underworld connections who somehow is allowed to take confession and uses the information acquired so to fight crime.

- Everyone's head turns into a dog's.

[larryhammer]

The belief that a nun (or a novice) is essentialy a miko produces some very odd results.

---L.

[badgerbag.livejournal.com]

Chow Yun Fat and the actress in The Killer, crawling past each other and reaching out and JUST MISSING while both blind and bleeding out the eyeballs while the church is on fire behind them.

Also, all slow motion flying glass and paper and doves at the same time scenes from all other John Woo movies.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

A subspace highway running through someone's head.

Having to defeat your girl's seven evil ex-boyfriends.

Bands named after video games.

Vegan super powers.

cracktastic

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

since i read way too much yaoi these days, all this crack is yaoi tropes, and i don't know whether they're possibly not, uh, "clean" enough for your generator, but you can decide that for yourself. some of them sound like sad throwbacks to the dark ages for western women, so they're totally cracktastically unfunny, but you just asked for crack, not for funny. *wry grin*.

- self-lubricating butts (this is not rare, it's the norm)
- talking penes (fortunately this isn't the norm, this is just yamato nase crack)
--- they're not just talking, they are swapped due to a somewhat supernatural accident. and of course they are swapped between two boys who don't like each other.
--- one of the penes wears glasses and gets really upset when they get lost during a bout of mutual masturbation.
- "i like you! i've always liked you!" immediately followed by buttsex. dinner and a movie? we have no time to waste!
- soap makes great lube (in case your uke is one of the few without a self-lubricating anus)
- sex heals all -- whether you have a fever, open wounds, broken bones, or even a lopped-off arm, there is nothing preventing a passionate session in the infirmary. or on the battlefield. anywhere, really.
- you will fall in love with your rapist. maybe even right during the raping. (*gah*. my feminist credentials will be taken away for reading this.)
- if you are a cute li'l uke, random would-be violators are everywhere; life is just not safe without a strong, manly, and vigilant seme to rescue you. of course you won't _listen_ to him when he warns you.
- if somebody who's not yet your designated seme has saved you from a random would-be violator, he will likely demand sex from you in exchange.
- if you're in denial, forced sex will make you want to admit your feelings.
- if you have a twin, or a brother who's adopted, or from whom you've been separated for years, or who's your new step-brother, you will have sex in no time at all.
- swallowing demon semen will result in super-human strength for a human.
- if he is an asshole, he just doesn't know how to express his deep feelings of love for you.
- there are no straight men, only gay men who've not found the right man yet.
- even while protesting vigorously that you are not gay, you are madly in love with one man.
- if he says he's not gay, dressing (him or yourself) up in a maid uniform or some other female cosplay gear will naturally make him want to have sex with you.
- if you masturbate while fantasizing about your secret crush, he will secretly observe you and fall in love with you.
- naked but for frilly apron sex (*shudder*).
- mpreg (male pregnancy) (*triple shudder*).

[louiselux.livejournal.com]

- people suspended in tanks of goo opening their eyes and staring malevolently, or even just staring
- catholic priests who are possesed by a demon that makes them grow a really big giant arm
- dramatic scars on any part of the body
- any house or building (poss castle) that has a portal to hell in the floor
- people with hidden wings
- any type of spontaneously glowing eye/s
- superheroes who live in volcanoes and dress as cats
- magical pets of doom, which will ruin your life and teach you a lesson
- crossdressing petshop owners
- crossdressing male brothel owners
- dead gay angel detectives
- faking your own death for years in order to more effectively fight crime

[anachred.livejournal.com]

Wolf head snapping enemy princess's arm off in post-death revenge, empowered by a normally benevolent death/life god, which is searching for its head via purpose-driven goo
(is this too highly specific? Naw...)

Self and inner demon love the opposite twins, come to switch, still fight bitterly over kissing whichever it happens to be

Switch to inner demon/alternate identity when aroused, monitored closely with "Rabu-Rabu" thermometer when undesirable, and sprinkled with heart cutouts...

I am plant/guardian angel/living gun!
(then again, I only watched 10 episodes, it might not be so cracktastic as I've understood it to be. Not likely)

Trends to emulate:

Carrying a bag of two-inch vials in dress results in disguise as pregnant woman: Perfect!

Goggles and a few years alone on a deserted planet with internet access for a kid will provide the universe with its youngest hacker-genius and star-whisperer.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

A Chinese-opera-masked, armless kung-fu fighter with a meter-long braid made of iron. (GOD I LOVE CHINESE COMICS.)

Things that sound charming in myth but get taken a bit too far, such as a snow princess who has an eye melting off the side of her head. (Pugyuru is the most cracktastic anime I've ever seen.)

Pretty much anything involving dolls and automatons.

Crazy-ass feats ala the Princess Bride ("I'm not left-handed either," and the whole poison thing).

Metaphors made real and nonstandard transformations: a girl who is a door, a cat-rabbit who is a spaceship, a Welsh corgi who is a supercomputer (or something). Also, nonstandard magic items, like such as L. Frank Baum's wish-granting diamond-studded gold dishpan and soothsaying mechanical pink teddy bear (the Oz books get much more cracktastic after the first one).

Unexplained randomness: a watermelon in a lab, that same Welsh corgi...

I dunno, I love everything that makes me say "Wait, WHAT?" "..." *hysterical laughter* "That's AWESOME!"

[janneia.livejournal.com]

Just one that's on the surface of my mind, so far - (Vampire Masquerade, Bloodlines)

A doctor who sells prosthetics who cuts his arm off because he wanted to know what it felt like and then jumps on people carving them up and then attacks "you" with arms and legs.

:)

[qiihoskeh]

Giant Locusts!

[szzzt.livejournal.com]

*villains who are made of poison, and whose words are poison, and cause people to rot from the inside out
*villains with extra arms who can detach and implant them to control people, or form a new (self-aware) character from one of them
*prehensile hair (which strangles people)
*hair which suddenly grows 8-10 feet when a character is weakened (and then drains others' life force)
*characters who sprout plants from the wound when they are cut
*lonely cockroaches looking for friendship, mysteriously transformed into young men with long, very matted hair
*nonsentient objects (i.e. combs) holding grievances which cause them to become ghosts and demons
*inappropriate or enthusiastically overused religious symbolism (i.e., a Catholic priest from Texas imprisoning souls in a Star of David)
*youkai markings
*babies growing on trees after the hopeful parents tie a ribbon around the branch

[dragonscholar.livejournal.com]

As the guy behind Seventh Sanctum (http://www.seventhsanctum.com/) I MUST know when this is done!