The Vampire Diaries 1-4, by L. J. Smith

[rachelmanija]

You all know I like L. J. Smith. But these novels are dreadful, almost entirely lacking in the playfulness, fun characters, and interesting twists on genre tropes I enjoyed in her better books in other series.

Except for the fourth book. The fourth book is fairly interesting. Largely because the heroine is dead for most of it.

yhlee showed me an episode of the TV series, and I have to say, that was much better. Damon is lots of fun, though Elena and the ever-boring Stefan, clearly cast for his vague resemblance to sparklepire Edward Cullen, have no chemistry.

Back to the books, I give you The Vampire Diaries in Fifteen Minutes!

Elena: I rule the high school! Bow before me, minions!

Minions: (bow.)

Stefan: I have only just laid eyes on you, Elena, but you are fire, ice, fire in ice, a white tiger, a sugared violet, a ravaged princess in a tower, snow, sapphires, midnight, steel, and… Damon, did you steal my thesaurus? Anyway, let’s get engaged!

Elena: We’ve only known each other for two days and barely interacted at all, but okay!

Damon: (lurks; drops Stefan in a well; turns into a raven; eats the gym coach; laughs evilly; menaces Stefan; menaces Elena; drinks human blood to get more powerful; is way more fun than anyone else.)

Elena: Stefan, drink my blood so you can get more powerful and defend me from Damon, or else Damon will kill us all. I want you to and it won’t kill me.

Stefan: Absolutely not! Drinking blood from humans is wrong! Even if it won’t hurt them, they consent, and otherwise everyone, including them, will die!

Rachel: (stubs fingers trying to reach through book to strangle Stefan.)

Elena: My thoughts are layered, like a parfait.

Rachel: (notes that this is an actual line from the book.)

Kitten: (is possessed by Big Bad; tries to bite Elena’s little sister.)

Everyone: DOOOOOM!!! We must save everyone from the cats!

Rachel (is not making this up; also, is reminded of the episode of the X-Files where stage hands hurled stuffed cats at the actors to simulate a cat attack.)



Bonnie: DOOOOOOM. DOOOOOOOOOM. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Elena, if you drive over the bridge, you will DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE.

Elena: (drives over bridge.)

Rachel: (stubs fingers trying to reach through book to strangle Elena.)

Elena: (dies.)

Elena: (becomes the prettiest vampire ever.)

Big Bad: So, I have Stefan, Elena, and Damon tied up and helpless. Damon, you seem less boring and goodie-goodie than the others. How about I release you, and you can help me kill the other two, and then we go off and be evil together?

Damon: No! I cannot tell a lie, so I would never say okay and then kill you to save the others, not to mention myself! Screw you! Kill us all!

Rachel: (stubs fingers trying to reach through book to strangle Damon.)

Elena: (magical powers of Mary Sue slay Big Bad at cost of her own life.)

End of book three!



Book four is actually fairly entertaining and contains some deliberate comedy (thank God). The excruciating Elena-Stefan relationship is sidelined, which improves everything enormously. But not enough to make me read book five, which is supposed to be horrible. Not even on a plane, which is where I read the first four.

The Vampire Diaries: The Awakening and The Struggle

The Vampire Diaries: The Fury and Dark Reunion

Long-belated sequel, which I haven’t read; note that it has been nearly universally dissed as a trainwreck, including by people who loved the first four: The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Nightfall

Comments

[badnoodles.livejournal.com]

Long-belated sequel, which I haven’t read; note that it has been nearly universally dissed as a trainwreck, including by people who loved the first four:The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Nightfall

I think that's just more evidence that a title should have no more more than one colon in it.

edited for COMPLETE COMMENT FAIL.

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

o O (A parfait?)

[sparkylibrarian.livejournal.com]

or, y'know, an ogre.

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

Kragar says that life is like a parfait, but he doesn't mean the same thing by it that I do.

He talks about eating it, and how every few spoonfuls you hit a new taste before you're properly done with the last one, and how you hope you'll eventually hit one you can just savor, but before you know it you hit the bottom of the glass and there's nothing left. I suppose there's truth in that, but in the years when my father ran an ice-cream shop, I never ate a parfait, I made them; Kragar's analogy doesn't do much for me.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

All hail the king of pastiche!

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

*blushes*

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

I just couldn't get through the first one, I was so bored. I wished it could have come out when I was a kid, because I would have adored it the same way I adored Enid Blyton.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I only got through the first one because I was on a plane, and I have enjoyed many of her other books (the ones which are funny on purpose.)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yeah--I need to try some of these other ones. The only one I tried was that one, which at the time was the only one I could find used.

[rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com]

I was so very unsurprised when it was the absolute worst of L.J. Smith's series that was licensed for television.

On the other hand, it means I didn't have to watch them do an inevitable clusterfuck on one of the ones I liked.

[yhlee.livejournal.com]

The dubious silver lining is that the books are so bad that the TV series is much, much better. They start out with the stupid diary thing and the boring unexamined high school vampire romance run amuck thing, and then widen out into conspiracy and town history. I'm not saying it's a great show, but episode 4 showed potential, and episode 9 persuaded me that there is actually a fighting chance of Vampire Diaries becoming a moderately good TV show. (Of course, there's always a very good chance they'll muck it up, but at this point my expectations are so low that it doesn't matter.)

P.S.

[yhlee.livejournal.com]

They may also have won my heart a little by (a) making Bonnie a black character (even though the show is not exactly greatly enlightened on this front) and giving her a good storyline, and (b) making Elena a brunette, even if the actress (who is very pretty) has no chemistry with the actor playing Stefan.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Ohgod, can you _imagine_ what they'd have done to the Secret Circle? No, no, no, no, no.

[thecityofdis.livejournal.com]

...

...

... I adored these books.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

...have you read the latest one? I gather Elena grows wings and someone nearly gets raped by a tree.

[thecityofdis.livejournal.com]

No. No I haven't.

I'd have to go back and reread the first three first though, because it's been years.

Next project?

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

Stefan: I have only just laid eyes on you, Elena, but you are fire, ice, fire in ice, a white tiger, a sugared violet, a ravaged princess in a tower, snow, sapphires, midnight, steel, and… Damon, did you steal my thesaurus?

//actually wheezes from laughing too hard

Damon: (lurks; drops Stefan in a well; turns into a raven; eats the gym coach; laughs evilly; menaces Stefan; menaces Elena; drinks human blood to get more powerful; is way more fun than anyone else.)

//hearts Damon

A....parfait? o.0

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

is reminded of the episode of the X-Files where stage hands hurled stuffed cats at the actors to simulate a cat attack

What?