A Quokka Dreeds its Weird

Stephanie kindly gave me this to read on the plane, explaining, "You said that if I gave you the magic cock ring book you would read it."

How do I even describe this...? I abandoned it on the plane, so I shall merely share the fragments I recall, which now have the air of a very bad trip.

There are magic cock rings. They are controlled by witches to enslave the wearers, who often magically zap them with pain. This makes many of the male characters perform actions like, "Moaning and clutching his groin, he staggered up the stairs," or "Carefully holding his crotch, he pursued her."

On page two, someone gets his balls eaten by rats. He has a tragic death scene, in which he says tragically, "The rats ate my balls!"

There is a character named Saetan. (Pronounced, perhaps, like the vegan meat substiitute?) He is the lord of Hell. There is also a kingdom called Hayll. I found this rather confusing.

There is another castration somewhere later in the book. I think Anne Bishop has some issues.

One guy has membraneous bat wings, which Bishop forgets exist for chapters on end, but which come into play when he:s particularly Byronic and crotch-clutchy.

The hero is impotent because he can only get it up for his Twoo Wuv. She is the world"s biggest Mary Sue-- golden ringlets, frequently compared to a cat, called names like "hoyden" and "snippet," and ten times more powerful than anyone ever. She has a Destiny and Very Special Magic Rocks. There is a whole system of color-coded magic rocks-- Mary Sue has the best set of anyone ever.

When the hero meets her, she is twelve, and he feels a strange pull toward her, but freaks out because she]s a kid and he:d be a perv if he got a hard-on from a kid. So he rushes upstairs and puts his hands down his pants to see if he got one or not. Um, I:m not a guy, but you don"t actually have to touch it to tell, right?

No, the headline does not refer to Harlan Ellison.

But being linked in fandom wank regarding Harlan Ellison's refusal to keep his hands to himself reminded me to check the rest of the community. When I did so, I found one of the most hilarious wanks ever, Terry Goodkind and the Chicken of DOOM.

The origin of the wank was a squabble over the wikipedia entry for Terry Goodkind, author of enormous libertarian fantasy tomes featuring non-consensual S&M and a great deal of political posturing. I think these are the ones with the magic cock ring, but I could be wrong; I could be confusing them with a series by Anne Bishop. (There can't be more than one series featuring magic cock rings, can there?) Anyway, I was never able to get past the first chapter of the first volume, but clearly I missed out.

In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken.

The Evil Chicken.

"Richard gets captured by an Evil Communist Empire and gets put to work as a slave building monumental architecture. While doing this, despite having no prior training in either art or masonry, Richard builds a magnificent statue. When he unveils his statue, the onlooking crowd is so won over by the purity of his artistic genius that they are instantly converted to Randian free-market capitalism.

If he wrote anything more masturbatory, it would just be 800 pages of 'FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP'"

In the vortex of this torrent of tortured life, this cataclysm of corruption, this depravity and debauchery, rose up Richard's statue in bold, glowing opposition.

Richard's Glorious Statue