A Quokka Dreeds its Weird

Since I now have a substantial commute, I have been listening to audiobooks from the library. I checked out Redwall because it’s a semi-classic kids’ series which I never read when I was the right age for it.

The first book is about a peaceful abbey of mice besieged by an evil rat and his rat army. If the mice are to survive, they must find the legendary sword of the mouse hero Martin the Warrior, the founder of their order. The tone of the novel is old-school pulp adventure with pastoral atmosphere and lots of food descriptions, and reminded me a bit of Robert Louis Stevenson. Enacted by mice.

Brian Jacques has an absolutely wonderful reading voice. (He was from Liverpool.) I actually wish it wasn’t a full cast version; I’d prefer just listening to him. His descriptions of the whisker-twirling, minion-slaughtering, eeeeeeeeevil rat villain, Cluny the Scourge (or, as Jacques phrases it, “CLUUUUUUUUUUUUUNY the SCOOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGE!!!!”) had me in fits of laughter. And I mean that in a good way. If you’re going to have your villain be the most villainous villain who ever villained, you definitely should read about him in a manner which suits his villainy. If I was reading this book aloud to kids, I would do my best Brian Jacques imitation for the parts concerning CLUUUUUUUUUUUUUNY the SCOOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGE!!!!!

The actor doing CLUUUUUUUUUUUUUNY the SCOOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGE’S actual dialogue appears to be imitating a very angry, possibly drunk, Spanish BRIAN BLESSED. A lot of his dialogue is somewhat or completely incomprehensible, but I found that if I just mentally substitute “Arrrrr! I’m a villain!” for anything I can’t understand, the scene makes perfect sense.

(Warning to Oyce: contains villainous rats.)

The story is your basic “villain invades peaceful pastoral setting; orphan boy is somehow going to save everyone.” I’m a little bored with that story, so for me, the attraction (apart from Jacques’ voice) is that they’re all animals.

This is the book where I realized that I generally like animal stories in direct proportion to how important it is that they’re animals. One of my very favorite things about Watership Down was the rabbits’ limited understanding of the world: when one of them figures out that they can get across a river by floating on a piece of wood, it’s a genius-level conceptual breakthrough that none of the other rabbits really understand. The rats in Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents have magically-created intelligence, but still have many real-life rat behaviors, like widdling and eating their dead (except the green wobbly bit).

Jacques’ mice wear clothes, fight with swords, and are friends with predator animals. The physical scale is also non-realistic – their badger friends, while bigger and stronger than the rats, can’t just solve the entire problem by eating the rats. CLUUUUUUUUUUUUUNY the SCOOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGE wears a mole skull as a brooch, which in real life would be the equivalent of a man wearing a human skull. One of the characters is possibly half-rat, half-weasel. And so forth.

It’s not only a suspension of disbelief problem, it’s a question of why bother making them animals at all, if you’re not taking advantage of their animal qualities. So far, this entire story could be told with humans, and nothing would change.

Redwall [Audiobook, Unabridged]

Asakiyume at made the suggestion of alternative zodiacs, and I went a little berserk in her comments. I'm reposting my rodent zodiac here.

Which rodent are you? Which rodent am I?

Rat: Those born under the sign of the rat are clever, energetic, industrious, quick-witted, and fun-loving. They sometimes speak without thinking and act without planning, but you can always count on a rat to raise low spirits and tackle problems with enthusiasm. Rats make excellent employees, so long as their work day allows them some freedom and minor errors won't have terrible consequences.

Mouse: Mice are shy and, if their grain influence is lacking, may be prone to social anxiety, agoraphobia, and other disorders. They are kind-hearted and worth listening to, if you have the patience to draw them out. As they are introverted but intelligent and creative, they do well in artistic professions or in fields relating to computers or electronics.

Chinchilla: Those born under the sign of the chinchilla are profligate and flighty, prone to beginning and then abandoning ambitious business enterprises of dubious practicality. At worst, they may become con artists. On the positive side, chinchillas are imaginative, enthusiastic, and often very charming. A disproportionate number of movie stars and, alarmingly, politicians are chinchillas.

Mole: Industrious moles may lack sophistication and sprezzatura, but make up for it with their steadiness and determination. Moles will never be the life of the party, but their heavy dirt influence means that they do very well indeed in settings which require a team effort. Many moles join the military, where their burrow influences will also be welcome, and some rise to the highest levels. If your child is a mole, make sure he or she is given opportunities to join structured social activities, like team sports, bands, or the school play.

Squirrel: The romantic lead of the zodiac, squirrels have the strongest grain influences of any sign. Charming, passionate, eloquent, intense - who wouldn't want to be a squirrel? But later in life, squirrels may find to their sorrow that life isn't all nuts and berries, and while they were out having fun, others were forging careers and putting the necessary work into creating long-term relationships. Squirrels would be well-advised to cultivate steadier friends to give them good advice and rein them in, like king rats, moles, or capybaras.

Porcupine: The iconoclasts of the zodiac, the motto of the porcupine sometimes seems to be, "Oh yeah?" With heavy influences of both burrow and fur, porcupines hardly lack for courage or intelligence. If you marry a porcupine, you will never be bored... though be warned, they have a high divorce rate. Many porcupines succeed as artists, athletes, or entrepreneurs. Though they may become the leaders of companies, they do not make good employees in an office setting.

Chipmunk: The orderly chipmunk prefers a quiet, stable, well-regulated existence. Their natural habitat is a large company or the government, where they are often sadly under-appreciated. A chipmunk's home is his or her castle, and will invariably be both neat and cozy. Pushing a chipmunk to be more extroverted or "fun" is a waste of your time and an annoyance to the chipmunk. But if you accept chipmunks on their own terms, they are loyal friends, steadfast spouses, and very, very good employees.

Beaver: It's sometimes hard to tell, when talking to a beaver you've just met, whether they're a genius, an artist, or a raving lunatic. Or all three. Beavers don't live in the same world as the rest of us, but their strong fur and grain influences ensure that they never lack for lively conversation. Beavers are advised to invest in memory-assisting devices, and to make frequent use of them. All the same, don't expect a beaver to be on time. Most beavers are self-employed, and many are quite successful.

Hamster: More prickly than any sign but the proverbial porcupine, hamsters make entertaining friends but can be difficult to live or work with. Their lack of the steadying influences of dirt and scurry makes them prone to psychological disturbances or even run-ins with the law. However, many of our most renowned heroes have been hamsters. Their biographies reveal that they are the ones who overcame early difficulties to triumph. Still, if you are considering marriage to a hamster, carefully examine their natal chart. Hamsters without a single planet in scurry do not make good partners.

Gopher: The ebullient gopher is everyone's best friend, combining genuine friendliness with a sharp intelligence and nearly infinite patience. Gophers rarely enter artistic or creative fields, but excel in managerial jobs. They are also suited to medicine and, surprisingly, law enforcement, where their people skills serve them well. Gophers sometimes neglect themselves to focus on others, and their health may suffer as a result. If you marry a gopher, make sure they eat sensibly, get enough rest, and get regular check-ups.

Capybara: Capybaras are pillars of strength and steadiness. Their blend of dirt and scurry makes them excellent parents, and these fine qualities can also be applied to fields such as teaching or medicine. Though not particularly romantic, they can be surprisingly passionate, and when they marry compatibly, they rarely divorce. They are compatible with other capybaras, king rats, moles, gophers, and mice.

King Rat: The luckiest of signs, king rats possess the rare gifts of compassion and wisdom. They are highly skilled at problem-solving and pattern-discerning, and do well as therapists, social workers, scientists, and entrepreneurs. They can be overly serious, and may have a hard time letting go. If you are a king rat, make sure you set aside some time each month to do something utterly frivolous and fun. The most balanced king rats have enough of a grain influence to offset their strong dirt and fur influences, letting them see the necessity of both play and work.