Stripped by the Bush: Vengeful Blackberry Exacts Noncon Public Striptease From Hapless Gardener!

[rachelmanija]

So my blackberry bush just forced me to take off my shirt AND BRA within full view of my neighbor's house.

I was working away at the tangle, and finally decided to do something I've been previously avoiding, which was to cut down a really big cane when I couldn't see what was on the other end. It was blocking basically everything. I crossed my fingers I wasn't murdering half the patch, and snipped. But when I attempted to tie up the part of it I'd left, I got yanked backwards.

This isn't that unusual as the thorns are huge. I twisted around to untangle myself, and found that I'd been caught, not by a thorn, but by one of the trellis wires. It had somehow tied itself around part of my shirt and bra, and was so taut I couldn't even tell exactly how it was doing it, let alone untangle it. I couldn't cut the wire as it was supporting multiple brambles.

I finally had to take off my shirt and bra and untangle myself in broad daylight, easily visible from both the road and the neighbor's backyard which he commonly frequents, naked from the waist up.

I don't think any human saw me, but I swear that blackberry was laughing.

Comments

[watersword]

Yeah, sounds like blackberry canes. My sympathies!

[kathmandu]

That's an unusually dramatic gardening anecdote!

[mecurtin]

When I go blackberry picking (on Block Island) I wear a tough rain slicker, it's the only way to keep the thorns from shredding my clothes (and skin!). Before I started doing that I don't *think* never had to take my clothes off to escape, but it was a near thing!

[dantesspirit]

That Blackberry got it's revenge on you big time. Heh.

I think I'll be waiting to go cut mine...

Full dark sounds about good.

[osprey_archer]

Hahaha I love your erotica-style title here. Chuck Tingle should consider the possibilities!

[rachelmanija]

Hapless Gardener/Vengeful Blackberry Thicket.

[naomikritzer]

No one wants to be taken in the butt by blackberry canes. Nobody.

[lydamorehouse]

OMG. This is both hilarious and sad. I swear this stuff does happen only to you, my dear.

[rachelmanija]

NOPE. See comment by lilacsigil!

[larryhammer]

I think ... I'm glad the sprinkler didn't get you as well? Just to make the icon more real, you understand.

[rachelmanija]

The only reason it didn't is I don't have them.

[ellenmillion]

Oh no!

[sartorias]

I bet I know which cane that was. That sucker was HUUUUUGE!

[havocthecat]

Blackberries! I honestly think they're evil!

I'm trying to get rid of the wild blackberries growing where I don't want them and they keep coming back, but I hope you can get yours wrangled into some kind of order.

[zeborah]

I haven't had to deal with blackberries but I had a climbing rosebush/jungle for which pruning was but a temporary inconvenience in its quest to take over the garden, and which I had to entirely cut down multiple times before it finally got the message. It had vicious thorns too.

[thomasyan]

Have you read The Family Tree by Sheri S Tepper? Maybe you should be on the lookout for anomalous plants.....

[lilacsigil]

THOSE BASTARDS! I lost a shirt and a sock to blackberries once but at least I kept my bra! The shirt ended up three metres off the ground on thorns once I let go, but I got it back a week later!

[rachelmanija]

LOLOLOL, amazing. That is even more dramatic than my blackberry strip story!

[minoanmiss]

Irresistible title is awesome!

[grayswandir]

Wow. :o We had blackberries back when I lived in Arizona, and the thorns were terrible, but we just had a couple of smallish bushes, so nothing like this. Based on other people's comments, it sounds like losing a shirt to blackberries isn't even that unusual. :/ I'm glad our bushes were less vengeful...

(One crazy thing, though, was that we had goats for a while, and the goats would just eat the blackberry bush like it was candy, thorns and all. I don't know how they did it. They didn't even like the berries, but those awful spiky brambles were one of their favorite foods in the whole yard.)

[rachelmanija]

Goats are amazing.

[merit]

Nightmare... it must know your Plans

[swingandswirl]

This sounds like it could be the beginning of a Greek myth featuring Zeus.

In all seriousness, sorry about your misfortune, and I'm glad you weren't harmed!

[landingtree]

When I saw the post's title I thought you were reviewing a Chuck Tingle book which had come to your attention based on talking about berries! Blackberry is a cussed plant.

[rachelmanija]

Thankfully it seemed uninterested in pounding in the butt.

[lirazel]

You truly have a future in writing tabloid headlines!

[genarti]

AMAZING. I swear blackberry canes exist to laugh at us all, but this is an overachieving blackberry in terms of targeted inconvenience!

[rachelmanija]

lilacsigil above also had an overachieving blackberry!

[carbonel]

This is clearly the teaser for a Chuck Tingle story.

[lokifan]

lollll oh nooooo