Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey in fifteen minutes

[rachelmanija]

Before I begin ragging on this book, I should note that although I cannot call it good, it's pretty entertaining. I would not hesitate to recommend it for salon reading, as long as you can either call up your inner twelve-year-old at will or else enjoy a good inner snark-fest.

Also, it is very heartfelt-- very, very, very heartfelt-- and was apparently written at a time when very few gay characters ever appeared in fantasy, let alone lengthy pleas for gay rights, so I give Lackey major points for that. Even though, out of all the gay men I've ever met, and given my history with theatre, the entertainment industry, gay rights, and AIDS education, I've met quite a few, I have never met anyone who resembled any of Lackey's gay men.

I now present Vanyel in fifteen minutes!

Vanyel: I am a sensitive, gorgeous, and musical young man. Why is everyone so mean to me? Woe! Did I mention that I have fabulous dress sense and exquisite silver eyes?

(Vanyel’s father sneers)

(Vanyel’s brother jeers)

(Vanyel’s evil martial arts instructor breaks Vanyel’s arm)

Vanyel’s father: I’m sending you off to your butch aunt’s school. Maybe she’ll make a man of you. If that’s even possible.

Vanyel: I think I’ll wear my taupe breeches with my eggshell shirt. Oops, almost forgot: woe!

Tylenol Tylendel: Hi, I’m a gorgeous young student of your butch aunt’s and I am incredibly gifted at magic and I have a telepathic horsie. Also, I’m gay. Are you gay too?

Vanyel: Dude, I think I am!

Tylenol Tylendel: Excellent! Let’s be gay together!

Everyone at Vanyel’s butch aunt’s school: Vanyel is sensitive, gorgeous, delicate, musical, misunderstood, and a fashion plate. He owns the complete catalogue of Judy Garland on remastered CD. I am totally shocked that he’s gay, even though every other gay character in this book also fits that description! However, there is nothing wrong with being gay! Have fun, boys!



Tylenol Tylendel: My twin brother whom I have a telepathic bond with and whom I once telepathically eavesdropped on while he was having sex which awakened my magic powers—not to imply telepathic twincest— not that there’s anything wrong with that— was murdered! Woe! Vanyel, mind if I leech off of your un-awakened magic to supplement my own to get revenge?

Vanyel: That wouldn’t awaken my magic, would it? Cause for some reason I don’t want that to happen.

Tylenol Tylendel: Not a chance!

Vanyel: OK!

(Tylenol Tylendel leeches off Vanyel’s magic)

(Evil guy fights back)

(Telepathic horsie dies)

(Tylenol Tylendel dies)

(Vanyel’s magic awakens so he is now more powerful than anyone in the world; he attempts suicide; he keels over from woe, and also magical overload)

(Telepathic horsie # 2 bonds with Vanyel)

Vanyel: Go away. I’m busy dying here.

Vanyel’s butch aunt: Even our best aromatherapy has failed. Better send him to my friends, the super-sensitive soul-bonded gay mages, Moondance and Starwind.

(Rachel is not making this up)

Moondance and Starwind: Hello! We are gorgeous, sensitive gay mages. And we are here to tell you that it is OK to be gay. Even some animals are gay, so it is totally natural, healthy, and fun.

Vanyel: Go away. I will never love again.

Moondance: Vanyel, let me tell you my tragic backstory that I never tell anyone.

(Moondance weeps in a sensitive manner.)

Moondance: By the way, it’s only possible to have one great love in your life and yours is dead, so you are totally right that you will never love again. But don’t despair! You can still, you know, have pets and things.

Vanyel: Agony! Much more painful than yours!

Moondance: I think you kind of hurt my feelings.

(Moondance weeps in a sensitive manner.)

(Vanyel runs away; sees a dragon getting the drop on some people; angsts until the dragon bites the head off an old man; blows up the dragon.)

Vanyel: I now realize that with great power comes great responsibility. Also, I suck.

(Random evil mage suddenly appears and molests Vanyel)

(Vanyel blows up random evil mage)

Moondance et all: Congratulations! You’re a Herald!

Vanyel: On to the next book—of WOE!

Comments

[vom-marlowe.livejournal.com]

That is so very Vanyel. And awesome. You win at life!

pssst. I have extra bookmooch points. Are you in need of volumes 2 and 3?

[telophase.livejournal.com]

I think rachelmanija is definitely in need of books 2 and 3.





(Even with all its many, many flaws, there is something about this trilogy and her first trilogy that pull me along to the end. Her other books are more of a slogging contest, if I can finish them at all. I think she stopped being edited somewhere along the way.)

[weirdquark]

Now I think I understand why there are so many gay men who are secretly weepy teenage girls in fanfic.

[yhlee.livejournal.com]

Now do you see why these books are worthy of bookmockery?

I can't reread the last part of this book, though, because the Taleydras completely make me want to bring out the napalm and raze their precious little sanctuary. RARRRRRGH. There need to be more spork-wielding cranky gay mages.

[helen-keeble.livejournal.com]

I am deeply convinced that Starwind and Moondance are utterly evil psycho elf-twins from Hell. The whole coming-to-resemble-your-lover was so horribly creepy I was expecting them to turn out to be working for the Bad Guy. I kept waiting for the scene when Vanyel wakes up to discover his limbs curiously immobile and - ye kami, I just realised their initials are S&M.

Evil. Definitely evil.

[mroctober.livejournal.com]

An utterly brilliant and spot-on recap of the book.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

*sprlorf*

But totally spot on about twelve year olds. I have these on my shelves for school, and they hit those girl readers right in the chitlins. (So far, the boys--even the ones who like fantasy--can't stand them as they all to a reader hate Vanyel)

[chibicharibdys.livejournal.com]

When I was a twelve-year-old, I loved Mercedes Lackey. But holy crap did I ever hate Vanyel.

[ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com]

I really wish I hadn't missed my window on Lackey. I would have eaten those books with a spoon when I was twelve.

[veejane.livejournal.com]

Heh. I found Lackey when I was about 15, and read exactly one (there were no gay boys, although violet eyes and telepathic horsies were in evidence), and 15 was just barely too old to be able to swallow the shtick. Barely! (Also I found the covers embarrassing.)

> Agony! Much more painful than yours!

Boy knows his Broadway catalogue. He will go far.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

*applause*

[akamarykate.livejournal.com]

You know, cola really *hurts* coming out of one's nose.

But it was totally worth it. I needed a laugh today!

[arielstarshadow.livejournal.com]

OMG, I think I'm dying of laughter here.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

Hee. I did love those books when I was twelve or so. And they really were the first time I'd ever read anything with a sympathetic gay character, or for that matter run into ANYTHING remotely gay-friendly, so they had a big and positive effect on my growing up. :) Plus I met some great people through the Mercedes Lackey mailing list (man, I was such a child then o_o). I can't read her books anymore, though.

[secritcrush.livejournal.com]

woo! that's awesome. (and startlingly just like the books which have no awesome at all.)

[louiselux.livejournal.com]

Oh, Vanyel. The angst!1!!

I first discovered Mercedes Lackey when that book was pressed into my hands by a gay man. I never trusted his taste in books ever again.

[oyceter]

By the way, it’s only possible to have one great love in your life and yours is dead, so you are totally right that you will never love again. But don’t despair! You can still, you know, have pets and things.

*snorfle* Oh, you so do not want to know the angsty fanfic I secretly wrote in my head before I even knew there was fanfic when I was 13 and read these.

You have to read books 2 and 3 and report! 3 has even more Vanyel angst.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Seconded-- this was splendid.

Also, I missed Lackey when I was twelve, but I've always known that, as a person interested in all things queer, I really should read Vanyel. But, um, I really really didn't want to.

See? You are providing a valuable public service!

(Also, that was really hysterically funny. And the (Rachel is not making this up) was really necessary because... um. Starwind and Moondance???)

[riemannia.livejournal.com]

lol! I gobbled up the three Vanyel books, with much judicious skimming. Guilty pleasure or what.

I've never wanted to read another Lackey and I won't go back to these. But I did enjoy them, despite themselves or myself or whatever.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

:::applauds wildly:::

And it only gets worse for poor Vanyel, you know. But it's okay! He's totally reincarnated as a magical telepathic horsie!

[telophase.livejournal.com]

As a horsie? I vaguely remember that he ends up reincarnated as a magical telepathic forest instead, with the spirit of his One Twoo Wuv residing within him, but it's been long enough ago that I'm extremely hazy on the details.

[penmage.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I need to reread these. Too bad they're still at my parents house - somehow, they didn't make the first (or second, or third) cut of books getting brought over to the new apartment.

I'd forgotten just how ridiculously fun Vanyel is!

[tltrent.livejournal.com]

OMG. *snarf* You are the second person today who should have a beverage warning on LJ. I almost killed my computer (again) b/c of you! ;)

[helen-keeble.livejournal.com]

*applause*

keels over of woe had me whooping with laughter!

[maestrateresa.livejournal.com]

That was **perfect**! :):):)

[sarge-5150.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed your retelling more than I enjoyed reading the book years ago. Thank you.

[cyberpilate.livejournal.com]

I should note that although I cannot call it good, it's pretty entertaining.

Amazing, isn't it? It's horrible, but in a fashion you can follow along and enjoy instead of drag yourself through (as a lot of people have mentioned the other books were like) and when I was 15-16? It all seemed so deep.

Just wait until you get to the line about wanting to keep your gay lover in your pocket. =)

[larryhammer]

Isn't there a Rule against quoting Sondheim in a review of Lackey? I'm sure I've seen one someplace.

---L.

[umadoshi.livejournal.com]

*dies* It was an awesome summary even before the Into the Woods nod. Ohh, those books. (I'm also in the camp of folks who have a soft spot for this trilogy, having read it when I was much younger, but the mockery is still called for. ^^)

[seajules]

You so, so need books 2 and 3 now. 2 is more tedious than entertaining, but it's necessary background for the awesome emofest that is 3.

[medize.livejournal.com]

Hell, yes! I love those books.