Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey in fifteen minutes

[rachelmanija]

Before I begin ragging on this book, I should note that although I cannot call it good, it's pretty entertaining. I would not hesitate to recommend it for salon reading, as long as you can either call up your inner twelve-year-old at will or else enjoy a good inner snark-fest.

Also, it is very heartfelt-- very, very, very heartfelt-- and was apparently written at a time when very few gay characters ever appeared in fantasy, let alone lengthy pleas for gay rights, so I give Lackey major points for that. Even though, out of all the gay men I've ever met, and given my history with theatre, the entertainment industry, gay rights, and AIDS education, I've met quite a few, I have never met anyone who resembled any of Lackey's gay men.

I now present Vanyel in fifteen minutes!

Vanyel: I am a sensitive, gorgeous, and musical young man. Why is everyone so mean to me? Woe! Did I mention that I have fabulous dress sense and exquisite silver eyes?

(Vanyel’s father sneers)

(Vanyel’s brother jeers)

(Vanyel’s evil martial arts instructor breaks Vanyel’s arm)

Vanyel’s father: I’m sending you off to your butch aunt’s school. Maybe she’ll make a man of you. If that’s even possible.

Vanyel: I think I’ll wear my taupe breeches with my eggshell shirt. Oops, almost forgot: woe!

Tylenol Tylendel: Hi, I’m a gorgeous young student of your butch aunt’s and I am incredibly gifted at magic and I have a telepathic horsie. Also, I’m gay. Are you gay too?

Vanyel: Dude, I think I am!

Tylenol Tylendel: Excellent! Let’s be gay together!

Everyone at Vanyel’s butch aunt’s school: Vanyel is sensitive, gorgeous, delicate, musical, misunderstood, and a fashion plate. He owns the complete catalogue of Judy Garland on remastered CD. I am totally shocked that he’s gay, even though every other gay character in this book also fits that description! However, there is nothing wrong with being gay! Have fun, boys!



Tylenol Tylendel: My twin brother whom I have a telepathic bond with and whom I once telepathically eavesdropped on while he was having sex which awakened my magic powers—not to imply telepathic twincest— not that there’s anything wrong with that— was murdered! Woe! Vanyel, mind if I leech off of your un-awakened magic to supplement my own to get revenge?

Vanyel: That wouldn’t awaken my magic, would it? Cause for some reason I don’t want that to happen.

Tylenol Tylendel: Not a chance!

Vanyel: OK!

(Tylenol Tylendel leeches off Vanyel’s magic)

(Evil guy fights back)

(Telepathic horsie dies)

(Tylenol Tylendel dies)

(Vanyel’s magic awakens so he is now more powerful than anyone in the world; he attempts suicide; he keels over from woe, and also magical overload)

(Telepathic horsie # 2 bonds with Vanyel)

Vanyel: Go away. I’m busy dying here.

Vanyel’s butch aunt: Even our best aromatherapy has failed. Better send him to my friends, the super-sensitive soul-bonded gay mages, Moondance and Starwind.

(Rachel is not making this up)

Moondance and Starwind: Hello! We are gorgeous, sensitive gay mages. And we are here to tell you that it is OK to be gay. Even some animals are gay, so it is totally natural, healthy, and fun.

Vanyel: Go away. I will never love again.

Moondance: Vanyel, let me tell you my tragic backstory that I never tell anyone.

(Moondance weeps in a sensitive manner.)

Moondance: By the way, it’s only possible to have one great love in your life and yours is dead, so you are totally right that you will never love again. But don’t despair! You can still, you know, have pets and things.

Vanyel: Agony! Much more painful than yours!

Moondance: I think you kind of hurt my feelings.

(Moondance weeps in a sensitive manner.)

(Vanyel runs away; sees a dragon getting the drop on some people; angsts until the dragon bites the head off an old man; blows up the dragon.)

Vanyel: I now realize that with great power comes great responsibility. Also, I suck.

(Random evil mage suddenly appears and molests Vanyel)

(Vanyel blows up random evil mage)

Moondance et all: Congratulations! You’re a Herald!

Vanyel: On to the next book—of WOE!

Comments

[branna.livejournal.com]

Aiee! Vanyel, the Musical. That works---entirely too well.