I did not receive any of the Harlequin titles, which I note all actually exist. Nor did I receive The Very Virile Viking or The Vampire Queen’s Servant, which also exist. I already own Clan of Death: Ninja, and have it reviewed somewhere under the tag genre: ninja.

Sadly, I am unaware of the existence of Knives Chau plushies. Cthulu plushies exist, and I waaaant one.

In-To-Me-See does not exist. Thank God. It was a fictional book on Sex and the City.

Nobody has ever sent me a head or a fetus (yet), though [livejournal.com profile] oyceter emailed me an article about a found fetus in a jar.

[livejournal.com profile] tool_of_satan sent me Spock, Messiah! It is even worse than it sounds: sexist, Islamophobic, profoundly stupid, abominably written, boring when not offensive, and did I mention sexist? The original cover is hilarious, though, with a strangely-proportioned Spock looking paranoid, insane, and constipated.

The Federation has the bright and totally ethically unobjectionable idea of infiltrating an uncontacted planet by hooking up the landing party’s brains to the brains of unknowing locals (via a long-distance telepathic thingummy), so that the landing party will react in-character as their local telepathic doppelgangers. THAT couldn’t possibly go wrong!

A repressed female ensign deliberately takes a nymphomaniac persona to see what it’s like, but her repressed crush on Spock manifests and so she hooks him up to a mentally deficient and insane local religious fanatic with a high sex drive so he’ll want to fuck her.

The possessed ensign “ruts like a bitch in heat” with Spock. Spock goes insane and takes over everything. This would be much more fun if we cold see Leonard Nimoy playing a different character, but since we can’t, it’s pretty dull. There’s more rutting and attempted rutting, and it’s STILL dull.

I did not expect this book to be as bad as its title indicates. Amazingly, it is.

Thanks Dan!

View on Amazon (with less hilarious cover): SPOCK, MESSIAH! (Star Trek)

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

Woo-hoo, I got it right in the poll!

I note that I was the top pick in the Sender category. Perhaps I should find something worse for you...

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

I'm trying to remember the title of a Trek novel I read about twenty years ago that had, IIRC, a human woman in some sort of captive/coerced relationship with a Klingon, perhaps Kang. Not that I remember anything other than that about it, and that it read like fanfic would today. I don't think it was Pawns and Symbols, but maybe I'm conflating elements of that with another one?
Edited Date: 2009-06-23 07:53 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

Doesn't sound familiar, but I stopped reading most of the Trek novels sometime in the late 80s. And there are plenty I have blocked out.

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

I'd associated the cover to Dwellers in the Crucible with it, but a quick perusal of what text is available via Google Books doesn't ring any bells.

I read a bunch of Trek novels during my only Trek phase, my sophomore year in college, so it wouldn't have been published any later than 1989/1990.

Darn, now it's going to bother me until I find myself in the used bookstore, furtively flipping through Trek novels in search of this one.

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

Did you check Pawns and Symbols in Google Books? Based on my 15-second perusal it has Kang, a human woman, and bad writing.

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

I haven't been able to pull it up on Google Books, for some reason. Although a review on LibraryThing alludes to "adult" compromises made by the woman, so perhaps that's it.

From: [identity profile] lynndyre.livejournal.com

Sorry for thread-jumping, I think it is Dwellers in the Crucible (which, for some reason, I also get mixed up with Pawns and Symbols- maybe it's the cover).

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

Hm. The bits of Dwellers I can see on Google Books seems to have the Klingon there as a jail guard more than a hostage-taker, as I vaguely recall. I *think* in the book I'm remembering the human hostage ends up in bed with the Klingon, who i think is a captain or commander, which sounds more like the vague review of Pawns. Hm.

From: [identity profile] nestra.livejournal.com

In Dwellers, there's a human woman and a Vulcan woman taken hostage. The human woman sleeps with the Klingon commander in order to ensure better treatment for her and the Vulcan.

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

Maybe I'm just conflating them? Or remembering the fanfic I would have written had the internet existed in its present form at the time FOR WHICH WE SHOULD ALL BE THANKFUL THAT IT DIDN'T.

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

There must have been fanfic on Usenet at the time. (I was on Usenet at the time but I did not read fanfic.) Someone more adventurous than I am could use Google Groups to search the ancient archives...

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

There was plenty going round in zines at the time, too - I know, I got a couple. :D However, my natural laziness won out over any attempt to actually think about *writing* it. I shudder to think, though, what would have happened had I found something like fanfic.net.

From: [identity profile] juliansinger.livejournal.com

I liked Pawns and Symbols more than Dwellers. Which means nothing, as I apparently had no taste, back then. But Dwellers was really annoying. (Though it did have slashy women.)

It could also be Killing Time, but that's way less likely.

From: [identity profile] telophase.livejournal.com

I believe I ate these novels up like popcorn at the time, as I had no access to anything resembling fanfic at the time. XD

From: [identity profile] nestra.livejournal.com

That's totally Dwellers in the Crucible. Also very femslashy.

From: [identity profile] vom-marlowe.livejournal.com

Hey, you like academies for kids with special powers, right? Have you read the PC Cast and Kristen Cast House of Night series? It's a vampire finishing school.

From: [identity profile] vom-marlowe.livejournal.com

It is soooo much fun! Silly, but kind of transgressive at the same time. Positive portrayals of gay people and a multiracial cast and a ton of female friendships. In fact, it has some of my favorite female friendship stories EVER. It's kind of like a buddy-warrior story, in a way. They're up to book 5.
ext_6385: (reading)

From: [identity profile] shewhohashope.livejournal.com

Another kids with powers thing: The Summoning and The Awakening by Kelley Armstrong. It's like the Dark Visions series, but better! Unless the third in the trilogy lets me down.
ext_6385: (reading)

From: [identity profile] shewhohashope.livejournal.com

Um, it's roughly equal to L.J. Smith as far as non-white characters go, but definitely has less creepy gender roles. There's a strange tendency for fans to forget the the black character is actually black. To the extent of making her a pale redhead on fanart on the official website to fantasy castings with white actresses. The same thing happens to a lesser extent with the Asian boy.
ext_6385: (reading)

From: [identity profile] shewhohashope.livejournal.com

Yes, you are the one who led me to these wonders.

P.S. I am reading YOUR book now!

From: [identity profile] sarahtales.livejournal.com

Rachel and [livejournal.com profile] vom_marlowe need to be pimped as well. ;)

I have The Awakening signed to me by Kelley Armstrong 'in tribute to Derek's rocking bod.' It is in my pile of things to save from a fire, along with my macbook of destiny.

Also, eee!
ext_6385: (reading)

From: [identity profile] shewhohashope.livejournal.com

I'm so jealous of you. I want something dedicated to Derek's rocking bod.

[Eeee! I like it so far! If things take a horrible turn, I will likely never mention this to you again]

From: [identity profile] sarahtales.livejournal.com

That seems eminently fair!

And if we are lucky, I hope that the entire third book will be dedicated to contemplation of Derek's rocking bod. And Chloe's rocking necromancy.

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

You're welcome!

This is apparently even worse than I remembered (which, since I read it probably 28 years ago, is not too surprising).

I would suggest a poll for the absolute worst Star Trek book ever, but I do not remember things like the Marshak/Culbreath books well enough to vote on which is worst, and there is no way I am reading them again (why I read more than one of them in the first place, I cannot now say).

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

Here is the cover Rachel mentions, in case anyone wants to see it.

While I am at it, I have to share this cover for The Entropy Effect, which I found while looking for the first cover. What the hell?

From: [identity profile] nestra.livejournal.com

What the hey? What was wrong with the original cover for The Entropy Effect, which had awesome long-haired Sulu?

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

While I like the original cover, the composition looks very 80s to me, so I can see why they would want a new one. I have no idea why they would want this one, however.

"As it happened, Dr. McCoy had never done a colonoscopy on a Vulcan before."

From: [identity profile] starlady38.livejournal.com

The new cover is terrible. The book is better.

Re: "Spock, Messiah!" Who decided to publish that? WHO!?

From: [identity profile] tool-of-satan.livejournal.com

Someone who thought that a bunch of fans would buy pretty much any piece of crap fiction if it was about Star Trek, with bonuses for having Spock in the title and in bed with someone.

Nor were they wrong - this thing has had more editions than I care to contemplate, and I bet some of them had multiple printings.

From: [identity profile] marzipan-pig.livejournal.com

I love reading your reviews of stuff that I didn't think I would ever WANT to read until I saw your review.

From: [identity profile] seperis.livejournal.com

God, I have that book and I still remember staring at it after reading wondering what on earth I'd just read.

Though considering I was parallel reading Price of the Phoenix and that one about the orgasm machine (it was a very Trek summer)...I don't know where I was going with this statement. Except suddenly now I really do want Spock: Starts Major Religion! Sort of.

From: [identity profile] ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com

and that one about the orgasm machine

Wait, what? What? Which book is that and why haven't I read it?

From: [identity profile] seperis.livejournal.com

It was this--I don't know, almost like a not-threesome of Spock, Kirk, and Free Agent Mary Sue. And there was this machine from Free Agent's homeworld that caused orgasms.

...let me get home tonight and find it. It's one of those I went back to read after I started writing slash and suddenly there was context.

Yes, the machine--granted orgasms for good behavior? Or stopped bad behavior? It was like, psychology 101 gone horribly, horribly awry.

From: [identity profile] ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com

Oh god. I read that! In seventh grade! I remember thinking it was very disorganized and didn't make much sense.

Evidently parts of it went way over my head.

(Of course, seeing as it was Marshak and Culbreath, it probably was also disorganized and nonsensical.)

From: [identity profile] seperis.livejournal.com

Triangle! Pretty sure. I think.

Googlebooks (http://books.google.com/books?id=An15TnsX9IIC&pg=PA13&dq=Star+Trek+Free+Agent+Spock&lr=&as_drrb_is=q&as_minm_is=0&as_miny_is=&as_maxm_is=0&as_maxy_is=&num=100&as_brr=0&ei=-WpCSrWrAqnozASqtflA) preview.

From: [identity profile] yahtzee63.livejournal.com

I just reread Spock, Messiah! too. I couldn't believe it was actually worse than I remembered.

From: [identity profile] dramaturgca.livejournal.com

I haven't read Spock, Messiah! in at least 10 years. Most of what I really remember is the sequence in the psycholoony's camp with the masks and the belly dancing... I remember being intrigued by the idea of a jewel in one's navel. I also remember thinking that it was ridiculously OOC and not really believing it was part of the same series as the rest of the Trek novels.

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