A Quokka Dreeds its Weird

I read this ages ago, but never got around to writing it up. So I may be misrecalling some stuff. Luckily, however, I read it on my Kindle and made liberal use of the note function, mostly to write stuff like “YOU IDIOT” and “Did you consider asking her, dumbass?” and “WTF! Idiot.”

This is something like the tenth book in a series with sub-series and related series and so forth. I would definitely not start here.

I’m not sure where I would advise you to start, or if I would advise you to start. There are two trilogies (“Assassin’s Apprentice” and “Magic Ship”) in which I loved the first book, had mixed but generally positive feelings about the second, and disliked the third. But they’re not standalone at all, so you can’t just read the first books because they end on cliffhangers.

Also, be aware that part of what I disliked about the third books was that they either failed to resolve mysteries or plotlines set up in the first books, or resolved them in ways which I found anti-climactic or annoying, so reading the third book just to find out what the hell was up with [X plotline you care about] may not result in a happy experience.

Spoilers for Assassin books: ( Read more... )

And then there’s more books that resolve some things but not others, and are incredibly padded – in one book, Fitz spends something like 300 pages angsting over whether or not to leave his cottage. Every now and then he breaks up the monotony by making some tea.

I felt like a compulsive masochist just picking this book up, but I had managed to get invested in a certain relationship between two characters (Fitz and the Fool) in the very first book, and wanted to know what was up with it despite my near-certain knowledge, based on something like nine previous books, that the book would be incredibly slow, the characters’ refusal to talk to each other or pick up on incredibly obvious stuff going on would drive me batty, and it would probably end with their relationship not having progressed at all. Spoiler: I was absolutely right! Also, if you thought Fitz made some stupid decisions in previous books… you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Whump fans note: If you wondered if anything could top a character being tortured to death, the answer is yes.

Cut for detailed, irritated spoilers, mostly involving weapons-grade stupidity and also tragic yet somewhat hilariously OTT whump. ( Read more... )

Fool's Assassin: Book I of the Fitz and the Fool Trilogy

I don’t often say this, but I regret reading this book, a collection of short stories by Lindholm (aka Hobb). Not only did I dislike nearly all of them, but many of them were creepy and unpleasant, full of child abuse, animal abuse, preachiness, and despair. In particular, two stories were largely centered around cat corpses. There’s a theme I can do without!

I got the book from the library because I love Lindholm’s Ki and Vandien series, and enjoyed almost all her novels written as Lindholm. (I see cheap used copies of Harpy's Flight
here.) I also liked Hobb’s first two “Assassin” and “Ship” books enough to read most of her other novels, even though the rest ranged from okay to terrible.

But I had forgotten, or traumatically repressed, that of the two Lindholm short stories I’d previously read, one was the charming Ki and Vandien adventure “Bones for Dulath” (not reprinted in this volume, probably because it’s too much fun,) but the other was the awesomely depressing lizard messiah story (which was reprinted, probably because it’s so full of DOOM.) It also contains my new nominee for the ultimate Never befriend a person with problems story.

“Silver Lady and the Fortyish Man” is an exception to the doom parade. It’s a cute urban fantasy romance – a bit too cute for my taste.

“Finis” is a vampire story with a predictable twist ending.

“Drum Machine” is an annoying, preachy sf story about genetically engineered babies, the Horror of Sameness, and how if we eliminate mental illness, we will eliminate creativity. SIGH.

“Cut” is an annoying, preachy sf story in which the price of allowing girls to get abortions without their parents’ permission is that anyone over 15 can now make any bodily alteration without their parents’ permission, but parents can do anything to their children if they’re under 15. The heroine’s grand-daughter is going to voluntarily undergo female genital mutilation, and make her infant daughter do the same. This story was effectively manipulative, but when I’m being manipulated, I’d like it to be little less obvious. The foreword notes that “Cut” isn’t supposed to be an anti-abortion polemic, which is surprising given how exactly it reads as one.

The Inheritance

( Cut for spoilers regarding DOOM, child abuse, dead cats, and the Lizard Messiah. )

I see that fantasy authors are still doing their damndest to gross me out. I never thought I'd say this, but I would have preferred vomit.

( Cut for YECCCH )

See post below for context, ie, if you guys don't entertain me, I can't guarantee I won't flee into the cold night in my jammies.

Last week lady_ganesh asked me to name and briefly describe the five worst books I'd ever read. I replied:

Oh God, SO MANY! How to choose?!

1. Robin Hobb's Forest Mage. Almost 700 pages worth of people abusing the hero for being fat. About every 150 pages some plot peeks in, gets abused for being fat, and flees in terror.

2. Spider Robinson's Star Seed. Deus ex machina via enlightenment, space hippies, Chinese people as the symbol of evil-- and it's even worse than I'm making it sound!

3. Jack C. Chalker's "Changewinds" trilogy. Stupid ungrammatical self-conscious creepy misogynist sex fantasy. Women are magically transformed into sex objects and love it. Other women are transformed into fat baby machines as punishment. A woman climbs naked through the sand wearing nothing but a diamond-studded holster and a six-gun, thinking "This is ridiculous... and yet, damned sexy!"

4. Terry Goodkind's stupid books. Unsexy S&M, terrible writing, clonk-you-over-the-head libertarianism, and the heroine is terrorized by an evil chicken.

5. Whichever was the last Xanth book I read. Lame puns and a leering preoccupation with the panties of little girls. EW.

Also books by Leo Frankowsky and S. M. Stirling -- misogynist tirades and violence-porn, respectively -- but I didn't read enough of those to really be able to put them on the worst list, though I feel that they belong there.

God, I'm sure I've traumatically repressed many, many more. You should also click my "awesomely bad books" tag.

Gentle readers, please name and describe the five worst books you have ever read.

Robin Hobb, that easy, catchy, bestsellerish name, is a pseudonym for Megan Lindholm, that more unusual, quirky, and difficult name, which is itself apparently not the author's real, or at least original, name.

The difference in names is the difference in authors: Lindholm's books are unusual, quirky, and sold badly; Hobb's are bestselling fat fantasy with all the fat fantasy tropes and many of the common fat fantasy flaws... and yet are also a little unusual, a little more rewarding, a little... diffferent.

THE ASSASSIN TRILOGY

ASSASSIN'S APPRENTICE

Fitz, a young boy of mysterious heritage and unusual gifts is trained as an assassin, despite growing evidence that he's poorly suited for the job. As he weaves in and out of the lives of the numerous and well-drawn inhabitants of the castle and nearby village, an weird and creepy invasion is underway by rampaging pirates with the baffling ability to steal their victims' souls, leaving them mindless psychopaths.

All sorts of fascinating mysteries are set up here, and the pace is swift, with some surprises to rank with the ones George R. R. Martin regularly pulls off. (For instance, that marvelously shocking scene involving Kettricken's brother.) The worldbuilding is solid and intriguing, the writing is of the "good transparent" school, and the characterization is exceptional. An excellent example of fat fantasy, and Hobb's best book as Hobb.

ROYAL ASSASSIN

The continuing adventures of Fitz, as his life goes from bad to horrible. His faithful wolf companion provides some much-needed playfulness, but overall the tone is dark. Maybe too dark. This is where it starts becoming apparent that Fitz is a total incompetent as an assassin, an almost-total incompetent at relating to human beings, and prefers to spend his time in self-pity and drug use rather than effective action. Still a page-turner, though.

ASSASSIN'S QUEST

Uh-oh. Fitz's life goes from horrible to unbelievably horrible, and the book goes off the rails. New, incredibly annoying, and ultimately pointless characters are introduced, from the know-it-all Kettle to the misconceived TV journalist, I mean singer, Starling. Interesting characters like Burrich, Patience, and Chade move offpage, or, like Verity and Kettricken, mutate into monomaniacal and therefore uninteresting characters.

Mysteries set up as huge big fascinating conundrums-- who was Fitz's mother? what was the White Ship? How exactly is Forging accomplished? Who was Kebal Rawbread? Why did the Red Ship Raiders start raiding _now_-- are left unsolved. The mysteries that _are_ solved, primarily, why are the Red Ship Raiders attacking at all, have dumb solutions. It concludes in a resounding whimper.

THE LIVESHIP TRILOGY

SHIP OF MAGIC

And this one begins with a bang. It has all the virtues of ASSASSIN'S APPRENTICE, but is more sprawling and lighthearted. Magic talking ships ply the seas, a beach where bizarre trinkets wash ashore is guarded by weird beings who will answer one question truthfully, an acid river washes the shores of a land where those who dare to live on it can touch great magic but will be hideously mutated, sea serpents search for their true heritage and ancient wisdom... you get the picture. It's great stuff. Again, fascinating mysteries are set up.

MAD SHIP

Why wasn't this called SHIP OF MADNESS? Oh, well. More of the same and thoroughly enjoyable as such, and, surprisingly, by the end most of the major mysteries and plotlines reach satisfying resolutions. What will Hobb do in the third book, I wondered.

SHIP OF DESTINY

Vamp for four hundred pages, throw in a gratuitous and unmotivated rape, and spend about thirty pages on a terrific plotline involving the destiny of Malta, a spoiled brat who learns something. Another vastly disappointing third book. Is there a pattern forming here? It also becomes clear in this one that the most intriguing
character from the ASSASSIN series appears here under a different and less interesting identity.

THE TAWNY MAN TRILOGY

FOOL'S ERRAND

More vamping. We meet up with Fitz again, living a pathetic hermitlike existence. If he had a livejournal, he'd post more than I do, and at least half his pots would go into great and dull detail about his physical problems. People ask him to come to the city and help the prince with a problem. He says no. Repeat for the first two hundred pages.

Then he goes the city, and things start getting interesting. Quite readable and enjoyable after that point, but not as inventive as SHIP OF MAGIC or intense as ASSASSIN'S APPRENTICE. And I don't have high hopes for the third book, which I predict will be a wet squib with a very long fuse.

GOLDEN FOOL

This one was pretty interesting. Chade is back! The Fool is back! Fitz gets off his ass and starts considering a life based on something other than mopiness! There are plenty of delicious details about Hobb's two intriguing telepathy systems, the Skill and the Wit. It is suggested that all the loose ends from the previous trilogies will be tied up and the remaining mysteries solved, and so the book concludes with the sort of rousingly promising conclusion Hobb does so well, and has yet to deliver on as Hobb. Oh, the frustration.

FOOL'S FATE

I haven't read it yet. It's on reserve at the library. But like I said, my expectations are not high.