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rachelmanija Apr. 10th, 2019 01:40 pm)
rachelmanija Apr. 10th, 2019 01:40 pm)I have no idea how I obtained this book. This is not that uncommon for me, as I often grab books from used bookshops, garage sales, library sales and giveaway shelves, etc, and then don’t get around to reading them for years. And years.
I do remember why I obtained it, which is that I thought it was exactly what it said it was: a compendium of historical American recipes and cooking practices.
HA HA HA HA OH BOY WAS I WRONG. And wrong in the most serendipitous way. This book is so much more awesome than that, in the sense of the xkcd comic (“It’s like a sword, but awesomer.”) Had I known the wonders that awaited within its peculiarly metallic cover, I would have opened it way sooner.
While waiting for my bread to rise, I idly pulled it from the shelf, opened it at random, and read this:
Johannes Kepler was a well-known German astrologer. He was born in 1571 and died in 1630. His work on astronomy has long since been forgotten but his creating liverwurst will never be forgotten.
Um, WHAT?
Instantly riveted, I began flipping through. I found…
Spinach Mother of Christ
The Virgin Mary, Mother of Christ was very fond of spinach. This is as well known a fact in Nazareth today as it was 19 centuries ago. Her favorite music was that of the crude bagpipes of that time, and this also is a well-known fact.
Her recipe for preparing spinach spread with Christianity throughout Europe. On the eve of Christ’s birth in the cave that was called a stable, Her only meal was spinach.
And…
The person who named the muskrat should forever be ashamed of himself. If he had given it a nice name such as water opossum, water rabbit, or something of this nature, their carcasses would be worth more than their pelts are today. The name muskrat is simply not appealing to most people from an eating standard.
And…
Pate De Foie Gras was first made for Joan of Arc by one of her army cooks, Jean Baptiste Patrie who was from the goose rearing region of France. Herter then launches into a history of Joan of Arc which begins, Never underestimate the strength and courage of a woman who is really mad at you.
At this point, still trying to figure out whether this was a very elaborate parody or a batshit work of outsider art, I turned to the beginning. Best book opening ever, y/n?
In the lumber camp days and pioneer days the cooks learned from each other and the old world cooks. Each taught the other his country's cooking secrets. Out of the mixing came fine food, prepared as nowhere else in the world. I am putting down some of these recipes that you will not find in cookbooks plus many other historical recipes. Each recipe here is a real cooking secret. I am also publishing for the first time authentic historical recipes of great importance.
For your convenience I will start with meats, fish, eggs, soups and sauces, sandwiches, vegetables, the art of French frying, desserts, how to dress game, how to properly sharpen a knife, how to make wines and beer, how to make French soap and also what to do in case of hydrogen or cobalt bomb attacks, keeping as much in alphabetical order as possible.
Still perplexed and also cracking up, I looked up the author. Batshit work of outsider art it is!
I also enjoyed its Goodreads reviews, such as Holy god was this an AMAZING find at the used bookstore. While a little tough due to a disregard for commas, it's an amazing book to read out loud. With the Myan prediction of the world ending in 2012, I found the sections on what to do if a nuclear winter should occur particularly helpful.
I'd be a miss not to also give the virgin mother a shout out for her spinach recipe.
Also, it's golden. Literally.
And
One of my favorite things about Herter's books is that so many of them feature pictures of toddlers holding shotguns posing by dead animals.
I’ve flipped through this rather than reading cover to cover, but did spot praise for various Confederate figures, who in addition to being very fine men also invented chicken. There’s also a rant about the evil of women’s magazine editors who destroy the natural urge of women to bake by providing them with fake recipes that don’t work. So, general offensive opinions warning as I’m sure there’s plenty more like that, though I have to say that the plot to destroy womanhood via fake recipes for souffles that don’t rise provided me with more hilarity than offense.
In conclusion, the word "madrilene" used in cooking is strictly a phony.
Bull Cook and Authentic Historical Recipes and Practices
I do remember why I obtained it, which is that I thought it was exactly what it said it was: a compendium of historical American recipes and cooking practices.
HA HA HA HA OH BOY WAS I WRONG. And wrong in the most serendipitous way. This book is so much more awesome than that, in the sense of the xkcd comic (“It’s like a sword, but awesomer.”) Had I known the wonders that awaited within its peculiarly metallic cover, I would have opened it way sooner.
While waiting for my bread to rise, I idly pulled it from the shelf, opened it at random, and read this:
Johannes Kepler was a well-known German astrologer. He was born in 1571 and died in 1630. His work on astronomy has long since been forgotten but his creating liverwurst will never be forgotten.
Um, WHAT?
Instantly riveted, I began flipping through. I found…
Spinach Mother of Christ
The Virgin Mary, Mother of Christ was very fond of spinach. This is as well known a fact in Nazareth today as it was 19 centuries ago. Her favorite music was that of the crude bagpipes of that time, and this also is a well-known fact.
Her recipe for preparing spinach spread with Christianity throughout Europe. On the eve of Christ’s birth in the cave that was called a stable, Her only meal was spinach.
And…
The person who named the muskrat should forever be ashamed of himself. If he had given it a nice name such as water opossum, water rabbit, or something of this nature, their carcasses would be worth more than their pelts are today. The name muskrat is simply not appealing to most people from an eating standard.
And…
Pate De Foie Gras was first made for Joan of Arc by one of her army cooks, Jean Baptiste Patrie who was from the goose rearing region of France. Herter then launches into a history of Joan of Arc which begins, Never underestimate the strength and courage of a woman who is really mad at you.
At this point, still trying to figure out whether this was a very elaborate parody or a batshit work of outsider art, I turned to the beginning. Best book opening ever, y/n?
In the lumber camp days and pioneer days the cooks learned from each other and the old world cooks. Each taught the other his country's cooking secrets. Out of the mixing came fine food, prepared as nowhere else in the world. I am putting down some of these recipes that you will not find in cookbooks plus many other historical recipes. Each recipe here is a real cooking secret. I am also publishing for the first time authentic historical recipes of great importance.
For your convenience I will start with meats, fish, eggs, soups and sauces, sandwiches, vegetables, the art of French frying, desserts, how to dress game, how to properly sharpen a knife, how to make wines and beer, how to make French soap and also what to do in case of hydrogen or cobalt bomb attacks, keeping as much in alphabetical order as possible.
Still perplexed and also cracking up, I looked up the author. Batshit work of outsider art it is!
I also enjoyed its Goodreads reviews, such as Holy god was this an AMAZING find at the used bookstore. While a little tough due to a disregard for commas, it's an amazing book to read out loud. With the Myan prediction of the world ending in 2012, I found the sections on what to do if a nuclear winter should occur particularly helpful.
I'd be a miss not to also give the virgin mother a shout out for her spinach recipe.
Also, it's golden. Literally.
And
One of my favorite things about Herter's books is that so many of them feature pictures of toddlers holding shotguns posing by dead animals.
I’ve flipped through this rather than reading cover to cover, but did spot praise for various Confederate figures, who in addition to being very fine men also invented chicken. There’s also a rant about the evil of women’s magazine editors who destroy the natural urge of women to bake by providing them with fake recipes that don’t work. So, general offensive opinions warning as I’m sure there’s plenty more like that, though I have to say that the plot to destroy womanhood via fake recipes for souffles that don’t rise provided me with more hilarity than offense.
In conclusion, the word "madrilene" used in cooking is strictly a phony.
Bull Cook and Authentic Historical Recipes and Practices
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Never Drink Coffee Right After Eating Peppered Fried Eggs Or Soft Boiled Eggs.........364
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I do not know how, but Somebody had better use this as the opening line of a story, if not a novel. SOMEBODY.
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Peter Jones as the Book
"Being eaten alive by hyenas is less painful than you would think. Being eaten alive by the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, however, is more painful than you would think, particularly if the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is simultaneously consuming a histrionic Vogon. In the event that this happens, experts recommend presenting the Vogon head-first to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast in order to make the unpleasantness as brief as possible. If it is not possible to get the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast to eat the Vogon's head first, offer it your own."
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I am SO CURIOUS
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But, but, Michael Pollan assures us that baking is inherently masculine...
:-)
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Draco MalfoyDonald Trumparrogant racist jerks, who are too numerous to name, in the face.From:
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And also, where can I find a copy of this?!
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(The latter is for Prairie Dog Bat Masterson. "Bat created a wiener sandwich which became known throughout the Old West and was justly thought of as a real delicacy. It is one of the greatest wiener recipes ever made and will be remembered long after Bat's gun deeds are forgotten." This recipe consists of stuffing the wiener with ground sage, then putting it in a bun with mustard and sliced dill pickles on one side and Worcestershire sauce on the other.)
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Also I have had a somewhat trying day and when I hit the hydrogen bombs in the recipes list I laughed until I cried. Much better.
P.
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P.
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By the way I just discovered the index entry for the magazine editor rant. It is:
Impossible For Modern Women To Bake Well, Why It Is
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I suspect T and I will get a lot of use out of it. I cannot wait to read the index, please give me an additional entry in it?
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Oh please do write it up!
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Herter’s magnum opus, though, was “Bull Cook,” a wild mix of recipes, unsourced claims and unhinged philosophy that went through at least 15 editions between 1960 and 1970. Herter claimed one million copies sold; Brown guesses it was closer to 100,000. Either number is impressive, and the wild curveball of the book’s opening lines remains unmatchedin American literature: “I will start with meats, fish, eggs, soups and sauces, sandwiches, vegetables, the art of French frying, desserts, how to dress game, how to properly sharpen a knife, how to make wines and beer, how to make French soap and also what to do in case of hydrogen or cobalt bomb attack, keeping as much in alphabetical order as possible.”
Boasting such wondrous entries as Cochise Venison Hamburgers, the book also suggests Herter had a knack for sniffing out recipes by historical personages; one of his books purports to give Hitler’s recipe for omelets. (“He always said he enjoyed the belches as much as the meal.”) But the greatest Herterisms often have the artless charm of a confused book report: “Johannes Kepler was a well-known German astrologer. He was born in 1571 and died in 1630. His work on astronomy has long since been forgotten but his creating liverwurst will never be forgotten.”
Herter never acknowledges — not once — that his facts are any less sturdy and real than his Herter’s Famous No. 153 Saskatchewan Goose Call. No, sir: Herter facts are the finest, the most famous, specially selected and custom-made by only the oldest and most experienced craftsmen — even more factual than is necessary. No sooner do you digest his account of drinking with Hemingway in Key West (where Papa recommends a mixture of three parts light rum to one ounce of port wine as “great for dandruff”) than you come across a chapter called “Milking Scorpions Brings You $150 or More a Week.”
Alas, neither scorpion milk nor leopard ranching — another Herter get-rich idea — could keep George himself afloat. Herter’s Inc. went bankrupt in 1981 amid reports of millions of dollars in debt and unfilled orders. Already the holder of dozens of patents, Herter continued innovating — his name turns up in a byzantine 1982 patent for petroleum refining — but he appears to have stopped writing long before, and he died in 1994. Today worn copies of his books circulate among a Herter underground drawn to the irresistible bluster of such lines as “Being eaten alive by hyenas is less painful than you would think.”
Eat Like a Man reviewed in Esquire: https://www.esquire.com/food-drink/food/a30044/manliest-cookbook-ever/
Paris Review blog from 2012: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2012/12/27/furious-george/
Probably how most people heard of him: https://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/28/books/review/28outofprintcookbks.html from 2006
Jonathan Miles: Modern cookbook writers rarely take the time to address the origins of women's panties, the best time of year for eating robins and meadowlarks, the effects of menstruation on mayonnaise-making and the unheralded kitchen pioneering of Genghis Khan, the Virgin Mary and Stonewall Jackson. George Herter's bombastic comic-culinary masterpiece, "Bull Cook and Authentic Historical Recipes and Practices," self-published in 1960, did all that and more, as the opening lines attest: "I will start with meats, fish, eggs, soups and sauces, sandwiches, vegetables, the art of French frying, desserts, how to dress game, how to properly sharpen a knife, how to make wines and beer, how to make French soap and also what to do in case of hydrogen or cobalt bomb attack. Keeping as much in alphabetical order as possible." Imagine the "Joy of Cooking" in the early stages of dementia.
Jonathan Miles contributes the Shaken and Stirred column to the Sunday Styles section of The Times.
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WHOOPS, I missed that. Sorry! /o\
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(but have you tried one of the breakfast recipes to determine whether it lays golden eggs?)
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I mean, this should be tattooed on the eyelids of quite a number of people in the LA medical scene.
I am deeply amused by the Virgin Mary and her spinach, Kepler's liverwurst, and the promised rabbit trail about bomb threats. A veritable renaissance author, this one. (Are they a married couple? It sounds like, from the names.)
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Excellent advice, applicable to a great many diverse situations.
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